Monday, 5 October 2020

13 Things I Miss About Crap Halloweens

1. There were no decorations in shops for a solid month before October. The lead up to Halloween in your house was the day before. Possibly the weekend before if your parents were feeling really enthusiastic.

2. You always wished that the UK did Halloween like they did in America. Why didn't our streets look like the ones in Beverly Hills 90210? Why wasn't our school all done up for a Halloween ball like in Saved By The Bell? WHY WAS ENGLAND JUST SO CRAP.

3. You had never seen a pumpkin in the flesh (except for on Beverly Hills 90210) let alone carved one in an intricate pattern. You longed to try pumpkin pie. You imagined it tasted amazing.

4. You asked your Mum for some decorations. She gets you a couple of plastic witch masks from the shop with elastic that got trapped in your hair. Or they would crack and your face would get shredded. And no one can forget the feeling of trying to stick your tongue through the little mouth hole #sharp.

5. If you were REALLY lucky. Your Dad would bring you home some plastic long fingers. But like two. Which you would put on each forefinger and stroke your chin in an evil fashion.

Stick your tongue out and shred it if you dare...

6. There were three standard outfits starting off with 'The Witch'. This was a bin bag, with a bin bag wrapped around the waist. Possibly the cracked cheap plastic mask or your face would be red raw after you coloured it in with a green face pain crayon. You considered using twigs as a broomstick. But we also don't seem to have good twigs in England. NO PUMPKINS OR TWIGS!

7. Outfit number two was 'The Ghost'. This was a sheet. With holes cut out of them. You would wear your normal clothes and go "ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh". You were honoured if your Mum would let you cut up a sheet. 'Cut up sheet Mum' was today's equivalent of 'Pinterest Mum'. That was considered crafty.

8. Outfit number three was 'The Mummy'. This was toilet roll. Just wrapped round and round and round you. It ripped when you walked. And you prayed it wouldn't rain.

Why did I never look like Kelly when I was in my bin bag witch outfit?

9. There were no cute little buckets to collect your sweets in. You had a plastic bag. Or your pockets.

10. You visited your neighbours shouting "TRICK OR TREEEEAAAAATTTTT" expecting them to offer bags of treats like they do in Saved By The Bell. You are offered a random Mars Bar someone had in the back of their cupboard or 10p.

11. You would get back home. Empty your Kwik Save plastic bag and look at the worlds most pathetic Halloween loot. Alongside the Mars Bar there is another 10p, a Kit Kat and possibly some Opal Fruits if you hit the jackpot.

I still don't sleep properly

12. There would be no special Halloween shows on TV, not boxsets on Netflix. You had to make do with your Dad's VHS of Nightmare on Elm Street...which resulted in you not sleeping properly for years..."1, 2 Freddie's coming for you..."

13. You spend 1st November with a slightly green tinge, your Mum livid about her sheet, your Dad moaning about the lack of bin bags in the house and you wondering if you will EVER get your hands on a f*cking pumpkin.


  1. Pure genius! I Love this! This sums up my childhood perfectly. I actually chocked on my tea reading this! ��


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  2. Dead on as usual. There is so much more pressure on mams these days!

  3. The mouth hole oh yes!! I can still remember the smell of those masks too, the toxic plastic. Mom always got my masks from the Stars news agents up

  4. I laughed really loud in the garden at the memory of the elastic in the hair and the plastic tongue hole!
    P.s I was always a bloody cat because we all had 'leotards' for gym and mine was black (rimmel kohl eyeliner for whiskers and nose - the end) ��

  5. What a slap in the soul, childhood was bliss. I'll cherish that mask smell forever :D

  6. .... Our Halloween loots were good. Less sweets. But we got LOADS of monkey nuts, clementines and some apples! (Lived west coast of scotland). I moved to north of England 10 years ago... I dunno if its a times have changed thing or a cultural thing but they do neither fruit nor monkey nuts! .... Very disappointing

  7. I once got some Sensodyne given by a neighbour when we trick or treated at her house, she told me it would turn my teeth black!
    You are always so chuffing bob on xxx

  8. And a turnip lantern with string!! As a child I had NO IDEA of the pain my grandad endured making me this!


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