Then...around 18 months? Something weird happens. Your ideals of 'delicate' or 'fashionable' are crushed as your house slowly but surely fills up with utter crap. You don't notice it's happening. One day your baby is snoozing in a shabby chic cot with a Cath Kidston teddy. The next? They are in a bed filled with the gaudiest toys known to man and snoring loudly under the worlds brightest Hello Kitty duvet.
Below I have compiled the top ten pictures that I feel sum up true ownership of a toddler girl. If at least seven of them resonate with you. Congrats! You too live in a house full of sh*t:
1: Magazines. ARGH! If I added up the amount of money my daughter has conned out of her Grandparents and I with these bloody magazines with tatty stickers it in middle of them, so they ALWAYS rip? It has got to be getting into the thousands. I know they are a con. I am aware the contents will be crap. Yet? I find myself doling out £3.99 on a regular basis. I am in the wrong job. Disney Princess Tat Mags is the business to be in!
2: Art. When they hit two they start making 'art'. In the loosest sense of the word. Every piece of art my girl has delivered so far has been horrific. Her smiley faces look like murderers and her painted Dora the Explorer? Looks like she has been in a car crash. However I am a good Mum that keeps all these pieces of sh*te - well at least until she goes to bed.
3: Bag O Crap. My girl enjoys filling the 'Bag O Crap' (patent pending) before each journey. She then either a) tips the contents all over the whole of my car or b) makes me carry said Frozen/Minnie/Hello Kitty bag round town for three hours. It's contents including a sharpner (broken), bobble (broken), magazine (ripped), old sock (dirty).
4: Strange Naked Dolly's. Why oh why oh why do toddler girls always take their dolly's clothes off the instant they get them? Then lose them? Or rip them trying to put them back on? It's so bizarre. Manufacturers? Just make them naked! Save yourself a few bob. Which could be spent buying your kids overpriced magazines.
5: Slimy Stained Tablets. OK, OK I do give the girl the tablet to watch tele on when I am particularly frazzled. She enjoys mainly watching odd high pitched Americans unwrapping Kinder Eggs? It's the strangest thing in the world. I wonder if they have subliminal messages? I dread to think. When the tablet is returned it is undoubtedly covered in bogies, or slime, or jelly, or poo. Gross.
6: Ikea tat. Loads and loads of Ikea tat. Knives and forks I feel compelled to buy every time I visit. Little boxes I have nothing to put in and when I do put things in them they are instantly emptied. My house is full to the brim of Ikea rubbish. But I won't throw it away in case she has a mini toddler party where we shall need 456 knives and forks, and boxes to put them in.
7: Dead Balloons: Having toddlers means going to other toddlers party's which means you ALWAYS get a balloon. And when you go to Maccy Ds (as they hit the twos and threes healthy eating goes out the window and a nugget seems a good food group). These balloons live in my house for weeks, even months. And I can't put them out of their misery for fear of hysterical child.
8: F*cking Raisins: In every single nook and cranny of my house, stuck to the sole of every shoe I have ever owned, hiding smugly in the bottom of every bag and sprinkled in my car is? Raisins. These 'snacks' get everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I am never sure if she actually consumes them or uses them as a weapon to send me slowly insane.
9: Free Stuff. At Christmas we brought the girl the most marvellous Sophia Dolly, she had a scooter, she had a slide, she had THE Elsa dress. Yet? She plays with free stuff off magazines. Yep. Or out of party bags. She has one million tatty, grubby, ugly 'phones'. And when her mates come over to play? They fight for hours over said phones whilst THE Elsa dress looks on forlornly wishing she was back in Norway.
10: Peppa. This nob consumes my toddlers life. I have not much to say about Peppa as you all feel my pain. But one thing I will mention is 'Bingly Bongly Bingly Bongly Boooo' (silently weeping).
So there we have it. The ten signs you are the owner of a toddler girl. Excuse me if you feel this is a bit sexist but never fear. My boy is turning 18 months as we speak so by Christmas? I will be entering a whole new world of crap and doom. God help me.