Monday, 7 July 2014

10 signs you are the owner of a toddler girl.

When you first discover you are having a little girl you may go one of two routes. Some parents, like myself, embrace the pink and purchase lovely little tutus, or delicate headbands and those tiny little soft soled shoes that only an angel can walk in. Others may dressing their lovely little girl in more modern clothes, avoiding the pink and instead opting for bold prints and trendy outfits.

Then...around 18 months? Something weird happens. Your ideals of 'delicate' or 'fashionable' are crushed as your house slowly but surely fills up with utter crap. You don't notice it's happening. One day your baby is snoozing in a shabby chic cot with a Cath Kidston teddy. The next? They are in a bed filled with the gaudiest toys known to man and snoring loudly under the worlds brightest Hello Kitty duvet. 

Below I have compiled the top ten pictures that I feel sum up true ownership of a toddler girl. If at least seven of them resonate with you. Congrats! You too live in a house full of sh*t:


1: Magazines. ARGH! If I added up the amount of money my daughter has conned out of her Grandparents and I with these bloody magazines with tatty stickers it in middle of them, so they ALWAYS rip? It has got to be getting into the thousands. I know they are a con. I am aware the contents will be crap. Yet? I find myself doling out £3.99 on a regular basis. I am in the wrong job. Disney Princess Tat Mags is the business to be in!

2: Art. When they hit two they start making 'art'. In the loosest sense of the word. Every piece of art my girl has delivered so far has been horrific. Her smiley faces look like murderers and her painted Dora the Explorer? Looks like she has been in a car crash. However I am a good Mum that keeps all these pieces of sh*te - well at least until she goes to bed.

3: Bag O Crap. My girl enjoys filling the 'Bag O Crap' (patent pending) before each journey. She then either a) tips the contents all over the whole of my car or b) makes me carry said Frozen/Minnie/Hello Kitty bag round town for three hours. It's contents including a sharpner (broken), bobble (broken), magazine (ripped), old sock (dirty).


4: Strange Naked Dolly's. Why oh why oh why do toddler girls always take their dolly's clothes off the instant they get them? Then lose them? Or rip them trying to put them back on? It's so bizarre. Manufacturers? Just make them naked! Save yourself a few bob. Which could be spent buying your kids overpriced magazines.

5: Slimy Stained Tablets. OK, OK I do give the girl the tablet to watch tele on when I am particularly frazzled. She enjoys mainly watching odd high pitched Americans unwrapping Kinder Eggs? It's the strangest thing in the world. I wonder if they have subliminal messages? I dread to think. When the tablet is returned it is undoubtedly covered in bogies, or slime, or jelly, or poo. Gross.

6: Ikea tat. Loads and loads of Ikea tat. Knives and forks I feel compelled to buy every time I visit. Little boxes I have nothing to put in and when I do put things in them they are instantly emptied. My house is full to the brim of Ikea rubbish. But I won't throw it away in case she has a mini toddler party where we shall need 456 knives and forks, and boxes to put them in.


7: Dead Balloons: Having toddlers means going to other toddlers party's which means you ALWAYS get a balloon. And when you go to Maccy Ds (as they hit the twos and threes healthy eating goes out the window and a nugget seems a good food group). These balloons live in my house for weeks, even months. And I can't put them out of their misery for fear of hysterical child.

8: F*cking Raisins: In every single nook and cranny of my house, stuck to the sole of every shoe I have ever owned, hiding smugly in the bottom of every bag and sprinkled in my car is? Raisins. These 'snacks' get everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I am never sure if she actually consumes them or uses them as a weapon to send me slowly insane.

9: Free Stuff. At Christmas we brought the girl the most marvellous Sophia Dolly, she had a scooter, she had a slide, she had THE Elsa dress. Yet? She plays with free stuff off magazines. Yep. Or out of party bags. She has one million tatty, grubby, ugly 'phones'. And when her mates come over to play? They fight for hours over said phones whilst THE Elsa dress looks on forlornly wishing she was back in Norway.


10: Peppa. This nob consumes my toddlers life. I have not much to say about Peppa as you all feel my pain. But one thing I will mention is 'Bingly Bongly Bingly Bongly Boooo' (silently weeping).

So there we have it. The ten signs you are the owner of a toddler girl. Excuse me if you feel this is a bit sexist but never fear. My boy is turning 18 months as we speak so by Christmas? I will be entering a whole new world of crap and doom. God help me.

                                             badmumsclub

64 comments:

  1. Yes, yes, yes and yes. Yes to all of it!

    Amelia is utterly obsessed by a "magic notepad" from off a Peppa mag while her proper toys sit gathering dust.

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    1. Oh my girl would love that! It's magic! xxx

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  2. Yes yes yes! Magazines are the worst! Everytime we pop to the local shop for milk or bread I warn Boo that that's all we're buying and that I don't have enough for a magazine- yet she always comes out clutching on that has a free fluffy pen, a crappy necklace that will snap as soon as she try's to put it on, and a toy phone! Always! And I'm totally with you on the gaudy thing! When I was preg I told everyone "her colours will be pale pink and pale green" PAH!!! Now she wears bright everything (which I do like now she's older) emblazoned with her fave characters- like bloody Palace Pets! They are the gaudiest, tackiest toys around- but Boo adores them! They're the only toy she's ever cried for in a shop and the only toy she's really chosen for herself- great! Defo in the wrong business- lets start making tat!!! X

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    1. Oh god those bloody palace pets. We have My Little Pony here. I HATE IT!!!!! My girl once had a full on breakdown in the Disney shop over a giant Sully from Monsters Inc. It was so embarrassing. And? I am ashamed to say I caved in xxx

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  3. GULP. My twin girls are 13 months. This has mildly traumatised me. And also make me crave bacon - cheers Peppa

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    1. Ha ha ha!!! Oh god you shall have double the tat! xxx

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  4. My daughter is obsessed with the kinder eggs too. What is with that?

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    1. I have no clue? Are you ever tempted to make one yourself? I am. They have like a million hits? But wonder how they make money? xxx

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  5. Hahaaaaa me and and hubby swear blind we're going to donate a tonne of toys to charity then get busy and end up tripping over them constantly. And they seem to be multiplying in our house. And bloomin Peppa....Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghgggghhh I hate that pig!

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  6. Ha ha you make me sort of glad to avoid all this ;) my list would be 1, cars, 2 cars, 3, cars.....

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    1. Oh god I have all that to come! xxx

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  7. This made me LOL. We too have a car and toy box full of crappy plastic phones and even worse - the evil high pitched musical instruments. Ha ha ha ha xx

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    1. YES! Those really high pitched horrible ones or the poundland recorders. We have a lot of them too. Doom xxx

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  8. hahaha! This made me laugh out loud!
    My youngest is 6 and most of this still applies to her too....lol

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    1. NO!!!!!! DOESN'T IT STOP SOON?????????? xxx

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  9. Haa this cracked me up literally every single one is the same in my house only I have 2 toddler girls imagine the amount of rasins in my house!

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    1. Oh god! I bet you find them in your hair and all sorts??? xxx

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  10. Ha ha brilliant Emma! I love the Bag O Crap! I definitely think you have a marketing / product development fortune to be made! Naked dolls - I did not know that! We are a doll-free zone. My boys love a bit of mag tat though. Great post babkins! Xx

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    1. Naked dollys is the way forward. Let's go to Dragon's Den and make an utter killing!!!!! xxx

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  11. I have just sat here laughing in agreement with tears rolling down my face. Toddler daughter grabbed the tablet, pointed to the pictures saying "I want that and that and that"

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    1. Ha ha ha ha!!! Bet she loved the 'dead' balloons!!! xxx

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  12. This is ridiculously apt. The amount of crappy free phones and assorted other plastic crap (stethoscope, Yo Yos, even a bloody saxophone!) is insane. Trying to keep the more dangerous tat and seemingly breeding crayons out of the mouth of 9 month old boy is a full time job. I can only imagine cursing him for cars in due course. And Peppa? She has 2 different versions on her bed as we speak...

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    1. My little boy eats crayons literally continuously. What is that all about??? My girl loves Peppa. We have the toy for every character. Yep. EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!!!!! Even Candy Cat. Gah xxx

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  13. Yes! This is my life right now! I think my toddler girl and yours would get on very well ;-)

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    1. Unless? They were fighting over a free phone. In which case? They would kill each other!!! xxx

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  14. Yes to all of it, especially the bizarre obsession with videos of Kinder Eggs being opened. And adults playing with Peppa Pig playsets. And daily requests for youtube videos of 'cinderella play doh'

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    1. YES! The play doh ones?!!!! What is that all about!!!!! xxx

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  15. It's like you're describing MY HOUSE! We have Peppa Pig phones, mini cars, those tiny packs of crayons you get at restaurants, hair clips and bands, mini cookers and pots from magazines - SO MUCH TAT!! The problem I have is I'm a real hoarder and don't like to throw stuff away - agh! Thanks so much for linking up to #BadMumsClub!

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    1. I know you are as bad as each other! I am brutal and throw loads of stuff away and yet? My house is still full to the brim of utter crap. Tis horrible. Love the Bad Mums Linky. Tis made for Mums like me xxx

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  16. Ha ha ha ha ha!! It doesn't get better! My 6 yr old still loves plastic crap and still fills a bag full of rubbish to take out with us. And my 3yo boy loves the kinder egg lady!! Luckily big sis has recently commandeered the ipad so we haven't had to listen to annoying woman's voice for a couple of weeks. #joysofparenting. *sigh* xx

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    1. What is it with the Kinder Egg lady??? She's like crackers! And is called something Disney? Surely that has got to be patented??? Or is Disney taking over the world? I feel I need to investigate... xxx

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  17. It will be cars and buses with no sodding wheels once the boy gets going if he's anything like my two! I find cars everywhere - the pockets of the car doors, the bottom of my work bag, the bathroom floor. *sigh* We also have our fair share of crappy plastic phones. #badmumsclub

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    1. Oh god I have the cars to come!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! xxx

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  18. It IS sexist, 8/10 of these apply to my twin boys and the two that don't are only because i don't live near an Ikea and as an ex newsagents daughter i absolutely refuse to buy magazines! :)

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    1. Oh no! I was hoping with my boy I would lose Peppa??? Does it mean it continues!!! xxx

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  19. Oh lol!!!! I'm only laughing because I totally have everything - from a toddler boy!!!

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    1. Oh no I have more of the same to come for the next three years?? xxx

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  20. Yes yes and yes. I have grown to love Peppa Pig, esp. the Bing Bong song ha ha. I love your bag of crap. We have the back-pack full of sh*te, so I suppose that's similar. lovely post! xxx

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    1. Back pack of shite. Excellent. As I imagine you can fit even more crap in that! xxx

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  21. So true! We have a house full of ripped magazines, 'art' that is mainly bits of paper with just a couple of lines drawn on them or completely covered in brown paint, and naked dolls. This made me laugh out loud.

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    1. I have totally perfected the face of "oh that's brilliant! when in reality it is AWFUL! xxx

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  22. So true! I thought only my lo was crazy enough to watch the eggy videos.. I seem to like peppa though.. May be its an acquired taste?

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    1. Peppa has worked her evil magic on you!! You have fallen under her creepy annoying spell!!! xxx

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  23. We have Peppa on right now, dead balloons and balloon strings in the cracks of the sofa! I threw away the Play Doh after they mixed all the colours up and then with apple juice and said there will be no more for a while. And no matter when or how I try to rid the house of the artwork, she always always finds it. Thanks for this laugh.

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it lovely. Bloody balloons. The worst is when I buy them the number ones for their birthdays and they hand around for years and years! xxx

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  24. Oh wow, we have all this to look forward to!! x

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    1. Mwah ha ha ha haaaaa! Evil cackle! xxx

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  25. Yes, yes and bloody yes! The amount of bright pink crap I have to secretly dispose of is unbelievable - shopping is the worst, seriously the stuff she likes! She's a Gypsy Wedding in the making

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    1. A gypsy wedding in the making has made me proper laugh! xxx

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  26. Bing bong boo! bong bing bong! bingbong binglay bungly boooooo!

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    1. *sits rocking and weeping silently* xxx

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  27. I have 2 girls 6 and 11. I made them clear out their crap at the weekend. Two bin bags full of 4 years-old Happy Meal toys later, I was satisfied. We now have enough space for all the Loom Bands (silent scream).

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    1. Oh god - you mean Doom Bands??? I am a teacher and we have banned them at school as kids kept flicking them at us whilst we taught ha ha ha xxx

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  28. Pangs of recognition with every one of your photos and I wish I could tell you it gets better. My daughters are 19 now & at uni & we still have a house filled with c**p. I keep secretly taking some of it to charity shops & every time they're home they do their utmost to refill any space I've made!

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    1. NO Please tell me the crap eventually stops!! GRRRR! xxx

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  29. I know I'm supposed to be on holiday but I had to comment - hilarious. I am so with you on the raisins. Mydaughter also has the lush habit of emptying drawers to 'dress-up' faster than I can re stuff them. Awesome! Great post, well done on the well deserved success! x

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    1. Thanks lovely! Hope you're having a super duper jolliday and a lovely rest xxx

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  30. Plastic tat in our house is 'treasure' and fills a couple of purpose bought drawers! Deflated balloons down the back of the sofa that if removed will cause meltdown, sodding magazines which are in remarkably good nick coz she's somewhat ocd about them and knows if one goes missing, and what actually is it with naked dolls?!?!?! : )

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    1. And then when you try and redress the dolls? It is like weirdly impossible as their hands get stuck in the sleeves bit? It is so annoying!!! xxx

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  31. Hahah this is brilliant, so true, I particularly love the bag of crap thing. I honestly thought Caitlin was a bit weird for doing that, she has lots of bags filled with lots of small toys and empty kinder eggs and other random crap, but when I try to take the things out of the bags to put away in her toy box she goes mad!
    Also, congrats on going viral pet haha xx

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    1. Thanks bab! Mmmm how crap are the toys in Kinder Eggs? Literally? They are so rubbish!!! I am sure they were better when I was little xxx

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  32. Oi Oi superstar! We have a rucksack of shit. It come EVERYWHERE - it has pieces of Lego, half a magazine, a couple of cars and more Lego. He knows EXACTLY which pieces of Lego are in there and we have meltdown if one is missing. FFS. Well done Bab, ace post.

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    1. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh xxx

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