Monday, 24 November 2014

10 reasons why clothes shopping is sometimes SOUL DESTROYING

1) You enter the trendy hight street store during the one hour you have to shop for yourself. Alone. You do not know the song that is loudly playing. Everyone else knows the song that is playing. You pretend you do. But hate it so hard you wish you were back in the Disney store humming along to the Frozen soundtrack. Even that one that Christoph sings to Sven.

2) So fashion seems to have back to the 1990's when Claire Danes from my So Called Life was trendy (Jared Leto? FIT). You wonder if you can still pass off your parka you have from Pilot 20 years ago? And then remember you can't get it to do up over your tits. You curse yourself for not hanging onto your boots with wood in the heels.

You dreamy aloof 90s beautiful boy in a checked shirt

3) Oh God. So the 'crop top' is a thing? A real thing? And why do you keep picking up really nice flowery dresses that seem to be really short jumpsuits? Won't that give you thrush?


4) You manage to find three flowery, non thrush inducing, dresses. YES! You get in the queue for the changing room. You look around. You look like you are the mother of the changing room girl. You notice that some of the mothers waiting for daughters to come out for the big reveal, are younger than you. You internally weep.

5) You get into the very hot changing room (early menopause?) and start to undress. Wincing at the fact you have maternity leggings on despite your youngest child being nearly two. You overhear a very chirpy girl three changing rooms down asking for a smaller size. "Do you have a six?" she says. You plot ways to kill her, involving coat hangers.

6) Much like the ancient parka, dresses one and two won't go over your tits. You try and try and try and then there is a brief moment when you get so stuck with the underskirt wrapped round your head that you consider calling your husband up to come and rescue you. He's at work, an hour away. Now you are sweating profusely. You think you hear a tear. You ignore it. Praising The Lord you have escaped the floral polyester cage.

7) YES! Dress number three goes over your tits! Wahoo! Hang on. What the hell? Why do you look pregnant? What kind of dress is this? Is it a smock? Why do smocks look trendy on the youth but make you look 9 months gone? Determined to buy something you vow to also purchase thick black hold your stomach in tights and a large belt. Really large.

8) WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HOT? And what is that smell? You realise it's you.

9) Your leave and catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. You are red and sweaty. Your trendy 'top knot' makes you look like you've not had a shower for three weeks. Your cheap Primark coat, doesn't look like you've just thrown something on. It looks like something has thrown up on you. And your slash of red lipstick? Is all over your chin. Think more shabby sh*t than shabby chic.

10) You make your way to the till. Whilst standing in the queue. Listening to shit music. Looking at stick on leopard print nails and wondering how the hell they work. It dawns on you. You already own this middle of the road smock dress. You panic. Put it down. And buy some overpriced socks and a half price bobble hat. 

Sigh

Picture of fit Jared Leto from dvdbash.wordpress.com

51 comments:

  1. These are the exact reasons I own so many bags. A bag will always look good on you! Great post

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    1. Good point! I even have two designer bags. How fancy! x

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  2. Haha I laughed out loud at the thrus inducing shorts! I hate shopping now - except for bed socks? Bed socks rock!

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    1. Oh bab I love a bed sock! Bed socks make me so so happy x

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  3. Yep, my first jaunt shopping after Mabel was to Oxford St Topshop. Quickly realised that my love affair with it was pretty much over due to crop tops and sulky looking youths. I came out with a granny cardi and some moccasins.

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    1. What is with the crop top? I would look so awful in a crop top one wonders if my husband would leave me in it x

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  4. Haha yes I like shoes for this reason! I loved Jared Leto and My So Called Life and rewatched it all on youtube a few years ago. Sad I know...but since we're sharing!

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    1. Mmm not sad. I own the actual box set! Now that my friend is a little bit sad x

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  5. Lol yes I had that moment in a trendy clothes shop of thinking that I looked like the mother of the sales assistant standing by the changing room and I didn't know the music either! I think I'd have ended up with socks and a bobble hat too! :-)

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    1. To be honest they are very good socks and the bobble hat quite suits me so I am OK! x

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  6. Ha ha thrush-inducing jumpshorts! Oh, how I used to LOVE Jared. This is me in a shop all over. The hotness! it's a crime! Love it babs! xxx

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    1. The hotness bab. THE HOTNESS WHY IS IT SO HOT? x

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  7. Clothes shopping is ALWAYS soul destroying. I end up a sweaty mess with messes up hair and my top on back to front. It's never pretty! x

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    1. Your top on back to front has really really made me laugh x

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  8. Thank you - that really made me laugh.

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    1. Oh brilliant! Really glad you enjoyed it x

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    1. Thanks lovely! Really glad that you liked it x

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  10. Yes! Oh god it's not just me, thank goodness...! This is why I now love M&S. I feel grown up in a good way, not a 'you are so past it' way... Can't remember the last time I dared enter Topshop, but I'm pretty sure it was to buy a voucher for my half-sister (13yrs my junior). Shudder. Also: maternity leggings rock - I still wear mine and my youngest is 13months so don't worry bab! On the plus side the hat you purchased is a DIVINE cobalt blue. Absolutely beaut!! Xx

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    1. I have never shopped in M&S bab as I think it is a bit pricey for me? You will be sad to hear the very pair of maternity leggings I talk about here are now in the bin. They ripped! AFTER FIVE YEARS! So that's ok x

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  11. Yes! Why is it always so bloody hot in changing rooms?? I used to love shopping. I use Monkey as an excuse now, so try and avoid and do it online. But having to send back loads of parcels is a pain in the arse too! Moan moan xx

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    1. That's why I don't like online as I end up sitting in the house waiting for stuff and it's just ruddy annoying x

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  12. mommyslittleprincesses25 November 2014 at 09:29

    Oh gosh this is exactly why I avoid clothes shopping like the plague!xx

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  13. My So-Called Life was the best programme ever! :) I know what you mean about the shops Em - I've bid a fond farewell to Topshop now - short, tight, cropped is really not a look on a mid-thirties woman. Good old M&S. You can't go wrong in there ;) Such a funny post pet xxx

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    1. You are the second person to suggest M&S maybe this is somewhere I need to go! I am shopping after work today so I may pop in x

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  14. Nah, Shopping is Enriching! 90s fashions aside (and they barely looked good the first time around).

    1 - If clothes don't make you twirl when they're on a hanger, never mind on you, stick it back over the rails where it belongs.
    2 - Teenagers and young 'uns may be single-figure sizes, but they have no idea how amazing Footglove shoes or the perfect skater/wrap/sparkly dress feels, because they're panicking about wearing the latest on-trend items, even though they look ridiculous on their body shape.
    3 - Buy clothes to change into at home, without crazy lighting and impossible spaces. Something you buy may look fabulous with something you already own. The more you shop, the better it feels.
    4 - Sizes have changed along with our post-baby/c-section bodies (fact) and the same number is not the same number in every shop; shop for clothes that you feel comfy (and twirly) in, not the number on the label.
    5 - Music is rubbish today; wear earphones and see how much better shopping is listening to your favourite 90s group (New Kids, anyone?)

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    1. Oh all good tips! Especially buying clothes in your own home! Gah but then I would have to go into town to take them back. Lovely advice xxxxx

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  15. Bloody fabulous. This is perhaps why i stopped clothes shopping in actual shops a decade ago! Xx

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    1. Ha ha ha! A decade. (looks at my wardrobe and sees flowery dresses at least that old) x

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  16. Oh dear! Sounds depressing. This is one of the many reasons I only wear Superdry. The only stress happens when they change the style of the jeans!

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    1. I feel with your love of superdry you shoulld be sponsored!!! xxx

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  17. Hahaha, such a brilliant post. I swear there's something about fitting room mirrors that make you look like utter shit. I have started to order double sizes in everything online now and then try them on at home.

    Jenna at Tinyfootsteps xx

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    1. Oh double sizes? Good idea! And the mirrors do make us look awful? WHY ARE THE LIGHTS SO BRIGHT! x

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  18. ha ha fab! Yuk i hate clothes shopping - and i never try things on, only at home once i've bought them and the lighting is ok. I would never ever under any circumstance take a child shopping with me although i have friends that do (they also have kids that are sane)
    xxx

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    1. I have done it bab. And I tell thee with my son OK. With the two? HORRIBLE! x

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  19. I don't have the boob issue, mine is all about pulling things over my bum. *weep* thank goodness for internet shopping! :) xx

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    1. We need to swap a bit of each and then we possibly will be the PERFECT WOMAN x

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  20. This made me chuckle, I don't really go clothes shopping much now :)

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    1. Which is the way forward bab! I am going tonight and am preparing for the doom x

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  21. This made me laugh so much, so much so that I showed it to my NON BLOGGING friends. I know crazy eh? I am actually the slimmest I have ever been, partly due to being poorly this year and partly due to a new found love of running. This sounds great, except I now have a saggy tum to contend with and literally NO BOOBS at all. After breastfeeding two babies and losing weight, well you can only imagine. So yes I agree with this entirely. ;)

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    1. Ah glad you enjoyed it and showed your RL friends!! It must have been good. Crop tops are not for those with or without boobs. They should all be banned.I think we should make a rule lovely! x

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  22. This is precisely why I don;t shop at Topshop any more... it makes me sad! At 29! *weeps*

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    1. Oh god and you're still so young. What hope is there for the rest of us????? x

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  23. All so true! I have the added joy of being a freakish 6 foot tall. So basically all tops are crop tops on me. There is long tall sally but that has to cater for women of every age. Coming out of the cubicle to find the woman to your left is half your age, the one to the right is twice your age and you're all trying on the same thing is soul destroying for everyone!

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  24. I love this post! I find clothes shopping soul destroying. I go in, all perky and expectant, and I come out feeing old and frumpy. How am I so old that stuff I wore as a teen is now retro cool?

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  25. Pre Z I could buy clothes without trying them on. Now I seem to be all sorts of different sizes in every single shop and everything looks a bit awkward. Bloomin expanding rib cage post pregnancy!

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