1) You enter the trendy hight street store during the one hour you have to shop for yourself. Alone. You do not know the song that is loudly playing. Everyone else knows the song that is playing. You pretend you do. But hate it so hard you wish you were back in the Disney store humming along to the Frozen soundtrack. Even that one that Christoph sings to Sven.
2) So fashion seems to have back to the 1990's when Claire Danes from my So Called Life was trendy (Jared Leto? FIT). You wonder if you can still pass off your parka you have from Pilot 20 years ago? And then remember you can't get it to do up over your tits. You curse yourself for not hanging onto your boots with wood in the heels.
You dreamy aloof 90s beautiful boy in a checked shirt
3) Oh God. So the 'crop top' is a thing? A real thing? And why do you keep picking up really nice flowery dresses that seem to be really short jumpsuits? Won't that give you thrush?
4) You manage to find three flowery, non thrush inducing, dresses. YES! You get in the queue for the changing room. You look around. You look like you are the mother of the changing room girl. You notice that some of the mothers waiting for daughters to come out for the big reveal, are younger than you. You internally weep.
5) You get into the very hot changing room (early menopause?) and start to undress. Wincing at the fact you have maternity leggings on despite your youngest child being nearly two. You overhear a very chirpy girl three changing rooms down asking for a smaller size. "Do you have a six?" she says. You plot ways to kill her, involving coat hangers.
6) Much like the ancient parka, dresses one and two won't go over your tits. You try and try and try and then there is a brief moment when you get so stuck with the underskirt wrapped round your head that you consider calling your husband up to come and rescue you. He's at work, an hour away. Now you are sweating profusely. You think you hear a tear. You ignore it. Praising The Lord you have escaped the floral polyester cage.
7) YES! Dress number three goes over your tits! Wahoo! Hang on. What the hell? Why do you look pregnant? What kind of dress is this? Is it a smock? Why do smocks look trendy on the youth but make you look 9 months gone? Determined to buy something you vow to also purchase thick black hold your stomach in tights and a large belt. Really large.
8) WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HOT? And what is that smell? You realise it's you.
9) Your leave and catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. You are red and sweaty. Your trendy 'top knot' makes you look like you've not had a shower for three weeks. Your cheap Primark coat, doesn't look like you've just thrown something on. It looks like something has thrown up on you. And your slash of red lipstick? Is all over your chin. Think more shabby sh*t than shabby chic.
10) You make your way to the till. Whilst standing in the queue. Listening to shit music. Looking at stick on leopard print nails and wondering how the hell they work. It dawns on you. You already own this middle of the road smock dress. You panic. Put it down. And buy some overpriced socks and a half price bobble hat.
Picture of fit Jared Leto from dvdbash.wordpress.com