Who needs toys? When you can have free cr*p!

Christmas is coming up in just a few months and all sorts of weird and wonderful toys are cropping up on the tele from intricate Frozen dollys to robotic fish and everything in between. But even if you go out and spend a small fortune on every toy your child has ever dreamed of. You have forgotten one thing. Kids? Like free crap. Yep. Just free stuff. Not even good free stuff. Just normal everyday stuff you hastily shove in their hand to keep them quiet for a few minutes whilst you go about your everyday life. So forget toys! Just go and get a bag of this sh*it and enjoy a cheap and happy Christmas morning!

Hotel Maps
On the rare occasions my family and I are in a hotel. The first thing my children do is run to the, handily placed at toddler height, 'map holder thingy'. Yep. You know the one where there are a thousands maps of places that quite frankly are MILES away from where you are staying and you never have any intention of visiting. Each time your child walks past said 'map holder thingy' they pick one up. And as it is nigh on impossible on staying in a hotel room for more than twenty minutes with small children. This means you end up with 20 scrunched up in your hotel room and 10 scrunched up in your car. And some make even it in to your bag. To be found at a much later date.

Argos Pencil and Paper
Now I am never sure on the protocol on this. If Argos expect us to put the little blue pencils back after writing down the code for our new ironing board cover, or if we are supposed to give them to our children to "draw Mummy a nice picture" whilst trying to distract them from the one bazillion toys that are (grrr) out on the shelves. If this is constituted as stealing? Then the below picture NEVER happened. If it's not? Then Dear Argos see how happy and quiet my boy is.

Free Magazine Crap
I have talked about this before. And technically it's not free as children's magazines are a RIP OFF! But all my children do is not say "Oh my that looks like a dead interesting article on IgglePiggle and his issues with UpsyDaisy" no they go "I NEED ANOTHER FREE TOY PHONE TO MESS UP YOUR HOUSE WITH AND IT WILL LOOM AROUND FOREVER". As soon as we get home, sometimes before. Phone is pulled off. Magazine cover is ripped and never looked again, whilst the substandard rubbish toy remains in your house along with 30 others for another year. Urgh.

Straws from McDonalds, Sticks from Starbucks, Plastic Forks from Chip Shops
Sometimes. In my darkest and most exhausted moments I may pop to a rather unhealthy place and we have a little 'treat'. The treat for me maybe a muffin or a cheeky McChicken sandwich. The treat for my kids? Free sticks, forks and straws. They ruddy love the things! My boy and girl have fought over a wooden tea stirrer from Starbucks on many an occasion and then I look like super generous Mum when I say "Oh go on then. Have one each".

Party Bag Crap
Parents of children. Can't we all just come to an agreement. Let's either a) stop party bags and the next generation will never know they existed or b) fill it with good sh*t and not just well, sh*t. I am equally to blame in this and before parties I scour poundshops and fill them up with balloons children can't blow up and tiny impractical clacker noise maker toys. Oh god and bloody bubbles! Which always get spilt in my car before I drive off. Let's stop the madness!!! Come on. We can make a change!

So there we go, next time your child is lusting over a £100 walking dinosaur or a game where poo comes out of a dogs bum, you can smile to yourself happily and think of the tiny sticks and Peppa World maps you have all wrapped up in your loft. Imagine their little tiny face light up on Christmas morning when they see a pack of (not stolen, borrowed) Argos pencils. Magic.*

*In reality? If I did this? My children would go bat sh*t cray cray but it's a nice thought isn't it?
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