Sunday, 8 February 2015

12 Signs You Are Going Out Out. Mum Style.

Preparation
Preparation is key. You have learnt from previous mistakes that you need to ensure your other half is available for baby sitting duty not only for the night. But for the following 24 hours. As hangovers post 30 last four times as long. If this is not possible you decide to only have a "few drinks". Which is forgotten exactly one hour into your precious, and rare, evening of fun.

OOTD (that is youth speak for Outfit Of The Day)
Times have changed. Your shoes are now boot based. Bags are an over the shoulder affair. Tights are thick, black and come up to your boobs in a vein hope to smooth out any lumps and bumps. You would wear hold you stomach in tights. But last time you did? You got stuck in them in the toilet and had to SOS for help.

Knowing Ones Limitations
You give yourself a pep talk. You are now mature and you know your limitations. You know gin makes you weep. You know rose makes you fight. You feel smug as you know yourself so well. You beat the youth who are still learning about themselves. You are mature. And will enjoy your evening in a classy fashion.

Remember. Gin makes you cry...ah sod it!

That All Important First Drink
You arrive at the bar. You see a nice rose behind the bar and think? Oh what the hell? What's the worse that can happen???

Company
You look around at your four mates. It was meant to be eight but three dropped out due to sick children/ no babysitter/ relationship issues/ tired/ got pregnant again and so on. Yet you are rabid that five actual human beings made it out. Together. On the same night. AND ONE OF THEM IS CHILDFREE AND WILL HAVE ACTUAL STORIES TO TELL. You treat yourself to another rose and take a selfie to put on fb to ensure everyone knows you still have a life.

The General Public
Oh it's so exciting being out out with the actual general public! It dawns on you that the youth has changed since your day. 'The Beard' is now a thing, even on very young men. It is not just reserved for a Bee Gee, Father Christmas or your Dad. You wonder if your other half should grow one? Then remember his grey patches and think no. Anyone for a gin? With a rose chaser?


If I buy a £9.50 cocktail and then instagram it. Everyone will know I've made it!

COCKTAILS!!!
You are out. With other humans over the age of four. In a slightly heeled boot. And a jazzy necklace. There is only one thing to toast this and its...OVERSIZED COMEDY COCKTAILS! Wahoo!!! Nothing says hey I'm a classy mature lady than a cocktail DelBoy would love. You talk about DelBoy and remember the time DelBoy fell through the bar. And howl. One of your friends decides it's time to go home. Claiming exhaustion. It's 10pm. Gin anyone?

'The Club'
You hit a club. Like an actual club. YOU ARE IN A CLUB! You fb check in instantly. Time to throw some shapes with the youth. You feel you fit right in. Like an older trendy sister role model to them. They aspire to be you. And you are sure a bearded youth is giving you the eye. This calls for Tequila!

The Music
Mmmmmmm. I have never heard this song. On the way to the toilet you see a 'retro' room. They are for sure going to play 70s and 80s classics. You walk into the sounds of R Kelly Remix Ignition. Surely that was only out like two years ago? Whatever. THIS IS AN AMAZING TRACK! You ask if Rose and Gin can be put in one glass. Saves time.


Yum.

Time to Go Home?
You are now down to two. One left in the queue to the club. God knows where the other went. Wonderwall is playing. The gin takes affect. You are sad you don't have a bearded youth waiting for you at home. You really miss your kids. Your tights are smarting. And your Primark statement necklace is making your neck itch. Your eyes fill up...

...and then? THEY PLAY VANILLA ICE AND ALL IS WELL WITH THE WORLD!!!

Time to Go Home!
You've spent close to £70 on cocktails. Someone said something about an aftershock. It's a good job you had black tights on as you have been dancing so hard you are sure your big pants would have been on show. You stumble into a cab. Proud you didn't cry, happy you wore boots, thinking about ramming your gob with the kids Smarties and Quavers when you get in at 12:30am. F*cking amazing night!

The Next Day
Never. Ever. Again. Someone. Turn. The. Kids. Down. I'm too old for this sh*t.

Next day and the look of death.

29 comments:

  1. Oh how I can relate to this after a night out last night. . Everything you have said in this post was me last night. Will be my 1 night out this year. Haha. Love your blog :-) xx

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    1. Thanks lovely! I have one night a year too! x

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  2. Oh I need a night out just like that!!! I want cocktails!! x

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    1. I shall buy you a later afternoon cocktail soon! x

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  3. We have a night out planned for our anniversary soon, this has made me really look forward to it. Great post as always.

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  4. Aww, I hope they have been kind to you today. You look a tiny bit delicate :) Looks like a fab night was had though.

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    1. God I have just about recovered and it was a week ago! x

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  5. I want to be your real life friend & dance to R Kelly & drink gin & aftershock mixed together a la cocktail, pleeeeaaasssseee? ;)

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    1. YES! We would have so much for and feel like death the next day! x

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  6. hahaha! I have a night out planned in a few weeks which will go exactly like this. lol

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    1. Yay! Have lots of fun you lovely lady! x

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  7. Oh this is so true!! Wetting myself laughing here!!

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  8. Fab post. As a teetotaller I can't relate to all of this, but can relate to the general excitement and awe of being out, in the dark, surrounded by people I'm not related to and able to just be myself and dance without worrying I haven't put the washing on/ picked someone up from Scouts etc etc.

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    1. That has made me laugh being in the dark by people you aren't related to! x

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  9. £9.5o cocktails are my downfall. And I always regret it the next day when I look in my purse and there are no pennies left in it!
    Except we don't actually make it to the club anymore. Last time it was taxis at 8pm after throwing up in the restaurant toilets, must have been something I ate (nothing at all to do with the Pornstar Martinins!) xx

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    1. SAME HERE! I think we would have a lovely time out together. Can't wait to see you soon mwah xxxxx

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  10. Oh the cocktails!! My nemesis! :) Giggling at the bearded youth thing too - Mr M sports one, he's obvs down with the kids! ;) Hilarious bab - excited to have gin cocktails with you in a few weeks xx

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    1. Oh he is YOUTH! Actually you hubs is totes fit. That maybe inaprops but hey it's me! x

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  11. Oh how so true!!!
    I'm positive that when I make it out into the world, this is exactly how I imagine it will be!
    Just isn't the same after children is it?
    Fab post x

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    1. You will make it out soon and no it is not the same. But just as fun! x

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  12. Rose and gin - good grief woman! You're an alchemist! Love this post, you are a genius. Vanilla Ice makes it all go away! xx

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    1. All the time bab. All the time. Good old Ice Ice Baby x

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  13. I blooming love this - GENIUS!

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