The Dream - you manage to find a lovely hotel. It has a fridge where you can handily pop in milk for bedtime or snacks for the morning. The beds are spacious and there's plenty of room for the buggy to be stored.
The Reality - WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? No fridge for milk. The beds seem to be one double bed, then two dwarf beds and the buggy? Serves as somewhere to place a suitcase on. And sh*t...no bath! Bedtime routine? Is officially screwed.
The Dream: the wifi code is easily found and allows you to have both phones on it and the tablet. Which the children are quietly watching YouTube on. You peruse all the many and varied channels on the TV and settle down to watch an action film.
The Reality: WHAT'S THE WIFI CODE? (sound of children screaming) THE CODE! WHAT IS THE CODE? HOW DO I PUT THE WIFI ON!!! (sound of children fighting) FOR GODS SAKE WHERE IS THE CODE? And why is the tele only blaring out CNN? Sob.
Wifi is on. Peace at last...
Sleeping Arrangements (Part 1):
The Dream: Two large double beds. One where they kids will snuggle up to each other and drift off happy about their day's adventures or looking forward to the excitement of tomorrow. You will pull out a small bottle of bubbly from the handy fridge and settle in for the evening to watch romantic comedy. A bit of 'you' time.
The Reality: WHY ARE THEY RUNNING AROUND LIKE PSYCHOS? STOP FIGHTING OVER THE TABLET? GET TO BED!* (*it soon becomes clear one parent is forced to sleep with one child, the other with another child in the dwarf beds, neither child will sleep, until the tele is off, which is at 8pm).
Sleeping Arrangements (Part 2):
The Dream: You manage to quietly whisper to each other, watching your darlings sleep and finally you both drift off at 10:30pm looking forward to a hearty breakfast tomorrow.
The Reality: Mmmmm sleeping at 8pm is a bit weird isn't it? You quietly tip toe to the bathroom, you stub your foot on the buggy and whisper shout "SH*T!". Whilst your husband whisper shouts "SHUT THE F*CK UP!". You spend the next hour sitting on the cold tiled floor miserably looking on Facebook, using up all your 4G as YOU STILL CAN'T DO THE BLOODY WIFI.
"I've had a wicked sleep! Bar the bits where I cried, fell out of the bed and smashed you in the face"
The Dream: The joy of a lie in. You all wake up fresh as daisies ready to tuck into a gorgeous breakfast. Sad to leave the hotel behind. But happy to move onto the next adventure.
The Reality: Up at 5am at the very latest. After a night of bed hopping, elbows in faces, stinking nappies up noses and someone falling out of the bed every three seconds. You go to breakfast like a zombie. And glare at your husband secretly blaming him for no good reason as he eats 37 sausages and gorges on 12 hash browns...
...never ever again.