21.7.15

The Don't Beat Yourself Up Guide To Feeling Lonely

Last week I was walking down the street with my boy asleep in his buggy. We had gone out a bit earlier on our pre-school run for him to drop off as he was super tired. The road was quiet. And I thought "Sometimes? I am just so f*cking lonely". It dawned on me that during that day I had not really spoken to another adult. Bar a brief "goodbye" in the morning to my husband. Sure I had had many conversations about Peppa and school shoes and snacks and poo poos. But that was it.

Often when I write these guides it's on topics I know a lot of women can relate to for example: tantrums, weaning, sleep (or lack of). I understand that these are all stages and are across the board but today I'm talking about something I'm not sure is across the board. Or if it's just me? Do lots of other Mothers feel lonely or am I just failing massively in this area.

Amazing to talk to about poo and Peppa. But ask them about the Kardashians? THEY SUCK!

Since I have become part time I have found the vast quantities of space (11 hours a day for three days a week) quite difficult to fill. I ADORE being with my children. And it really is a pleasure to watch them grow, learn and develop. But the other seven hours a day I struggle. Of course I have mates. But many of them work and curse them are not at my beckon call (SO SELFISH). And there is only so many times you can phone your husband for a 'chat' before he kindly says "mmmm I kinda have a job?".

I've done and hated the baby clubs, the ballet classes and the polite chit chat with other Mums in the library or on the school gate. But I have found it really hard to find a crew of local women who (excuse my wankiness) 'get me'. And actually I don't even really know if I 'get me' anymore. I get that I have a marvellous knowledge of Frozen. And I know the map of Thomas Land like the back of my hand. But sometimes I am so anxious about the words that come out of my mouth my belly hurts. I worry what new people will think about me and that I'm not saying the kind of words Mums should say.

When boredom sets in? You take a selfie with your new shed.

There's a time when the novelty of maternity leave wears off and you realise that your job now is quite a solitary affair. And I'm still not quite there making a good go at it. The constant tick tick ticking of the clock is going and I am aware in two years I won't have this problem anymore. I will long to feel lonely with a small child in my arms. Rather than lonely with two bigger children in school down the road. Maybe I'm being a p*ssy. Maybe I should just suck it up and be happy discussing wees and My Little Pony.

But sometimes? We all have our moments. And like to wallow in our misery before we have a cup of tea, eat some of the kids treats, go to bed and start afresh tomorrow.
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