You are 5 and let me start off by saying if I was allowed to I would follow you around all day every day. I would sleep at the end of your bed and help you do your writing in class. I would sniff your hair and hug you whilst you dream. But I can't do that. As that would make me a bit of a stalker and a total maniac. Also sadly my love. I have to work. Because I made the decision when you were still in my belly that I would not be at stay at home Mum. I decided that I would remain in my job as a teacher.
So this means that sometimes? I'm not there when you need me. If you are ill I may have to leave you in the capable hands of your Nanny. I don't do every school run and worse than that? Occasionally I miss school shows, assemblies or parent afternoons. And this is the bit that breaks my heart the most. I missed the Harvest Festival where you sang the Dingle Dangle Scarecrow. I couldn't attend the pirate craft afternoon where you made hats. One morning I received a text at work from your Dad to say you received an award in assembly. And I wasn't there to see it. I burst out crying.
I immediately thought of those cheesy American films where the main character does a play. And before they go out onto the stage they peek through the curtain and there is an empty chair reserved for their Mum who didn't make it. And you feel bad for them. You think "What kind of Mother doesn't go to their child's nativity show?". Well me. Whilst I try to do as much as I can it's not always possible to go to every single thing you do as much as I would like to. It's awful.
I have to work. I choose to work. I worked hard to train to be a teacher and it's a career I wish to continue once you are all big and grown up. But in that hour I know you are performing your little heart out not a second goes past where I am not wishing I was with your Dad, or Nan or whoever is there in my place. Watching you in wonder and cheering you on. But as you grow up you will understand that unfortunately you can't always do what you want to do. Sometimes you have other responsibilities. And that sucks.
It doesn't meant that you're not my number one priority. Because you are. Along with your brother you will always be number one on my list. If I could feasibly get away with watching you sing Dingle Dangle Scarecrow all day every day I would. But I have to work. To fulfil my responsibility to provide you with all the boring stuff you don't care about like new school shoes, food and that Barbie house you really want for Christmas. But I can promise you. The times I do make it? I enjoy every moment of it. I take photos. I cry. I film it and memorise every single second of your smiling beautiful face. So I want you to know I'm sorry I missed your show. But when I can make them? It's magical.
Love Mummy x