After the Christmas holidays one of the school Mums mentions something about World Book Day. You scoff it is "MONTHS away". Isn't it like in June or something? You've got ages to prepare. You pop onto Pinterest to create an 'Easy World Book Day Ideas' board but don't. Instead you devote one to topless men and another to house interiors you will NEVER be able to afford.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WORLD BOOK DAY IS IN THREE DAYS? HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED? I F*CKING HATE WORLD BOOK DAY. THAT'S IT. I'M TAKING A STAND. THIS YEAR THEY CAN GO IN THEIR UNIFORM. WHO NEEDS BOOKS ANYWAY? NOT ME. BOOKS ARE FOR LOSERS. F*CK YOU WORLD BOOK DAY!"
Your initial anger fades as it dawns on you there are plenty of fun and easy outfits you can make in three days! You are sure you have a witches outfit somewhere and wasn't there like witches in Harry Potter or some sh*t? Or you could do The Stick Man! With sticks from your garden!! Actual sticks! Oh god and they are free! All the other Mums are going to be mega jel of your creative prowess. F*CK YOU SCHOOL MUMS!
The witches outfit you thought you had is for a three year old and also is randomly ripped around the armpits. The sticks in your garden are damp and every time you try and attach them to your son's white PE T-Shirt they drop off and you cry a bit. Your fingers are super glued together and if your husband gives you one more 'helpful' suggestion you plan to smash his face in. You've failed. You are officially one of those bad Mums that adults talk about in their therapy sessions on American dramas. "She never made me a World Book Day outfit so I turned to the crack". Sob.
The day before, you finally accept that you will NEVER be a crafty Mum. You suck ass at anything creative and it doesn't mean that you don't love your kids. It just means you f*cking HATE WORLD BOOK DAY! So you ask your kids what they would like to go as. They say Tinkerbell and the Gruffolo. You thank the Lord for Asda and the many outfits on offer. Happy days...now it's time to relax and drink a gin...as it's not as if the Easter bonnet parade is just around the corner is it?**