How (NOT) To Share A Bed With A Small Child In 11 Steps

1. I sit bolt upright when I hear tiny footsteps running down the hall. Terrified. Panicking that it is either a murderer, a ghost or a murdering ghost.

2. Relax when I see it is my lovely little boy and I let him creep into my bed. This time it will be different! This time we will hug each other and slowly drift off into a deep sleep. Both happily dreaming about Paw Patrol (him) and Gary Barlow (me). My husband will take a photo of us and put it on instagram entitled "my loves deep in slumber". Oh I might get it made into a canvas for the living room.

3. Jesus Christ what the f*ck is that smell? What did he have at school today? A whole clove of garlic? Time to turn over...

4. WHY IS HE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE? Followed by the most sinister laugh? Creepy little bugger. Time to turn over aborted. Time to hold my breath. It's OK I can breathe through my mouth and still sleep.

5. God how come small children are so bony? It's like sleeping with a tiny skeleton. Right back to sleep.

6. It must be possible to sleep with an elbow in your head? If I ignore the pain (and the smell) I will be able to snooze.

7. IT IS SO IMPOSSIBLE TO SLEEP WITH AN ELBOW ON MY HEAD AND THAT SMELL IS TAKING THE P*SS AND HE HAS TOOK ALL THE BLANKET AND MY HUGE ARSE IS HANGING OFF THE BED.

8. I swear to god that IgglePiggle wants to kill me. And is Jesus that a poo stain on it? It smells worse than his breath. Must remember to steal it and pop it in the machine tomorrow.

9. OK so he has adopted a 'lying across my whole body' position. Surely this will settle him. Annnnnnd relax. I've got three more hours till I have to get up. It's fine!

10. OH FOR F*CKS SAKE I NEED A WEE! What do I do? Do I risk waking him up, thus making him tired for school. And then the teachers will think I am a bad Mum who lets her kids stay up all night. Or do I wee myself. Or do I just hang on and get some sort of urine infection?... Infection it is!

11. Right I can live with the sensation of needing a wee, I can just about tolerate a full elbow in my face and a knee in my back. And I've grown quite accustomed to my full arse hanging off the bed. OK. Finally time to sleep. I can easily fit two hours in...

...(more tiny feet thunder down the hall...Oh FFS!).