2. Relax when I see it is my lovely little boy and I let him creep into my bed. This time it will be different! This time we will hug each other and slowly drift off into a deep sleep. Both happily dreaming about Paw Patrol (him) and Gary Barlow (me). My husband will take a photo of us and put it on instagram entitled "my loves deep in slumber". Oh I might get it made into a canvas for the living room.
3. Jesus Christ what the f*ck is that smell? What did he have at school today? A whole clove of garlic? Time to turn over...
5. God how come small children are so bony? It's like sleeping with a tiny skeleton. Right back to sleep.
7. IT IS SO IMPOSSIBLE TO SLEEP WITH AN ELBOW ON MY HEAD AND THAT SMELL IS TAKING THE P*SS AND HE HAS TOOK ALL THE BLANKET AND MY HUGE ARSE IS HANGING OFF THE BED.
8. I swear to god that IgglePiggle wants to kill me. And is Jesus that a poo stain on it? It smells worse than his breath. Must remember to steal it and pop it in the machine tomorrow.
9. OK so he has adopted a 'lying across my whole body' position. Surely this will settle him. Annnnnnd relax. I've got three more hours till I have to get up. It's fine!
10. OH FOR F*CKS SAKE I NEED A WEE! What do I do? Do I risk waking him up, thus making him tired for school. And then the teachers will think I am a bad Mum who lets her kids stay up all night. Or do I wee myself. Or do I just hang on and get some sort of urine infection?... Infection it is!
11. Right I can live with the sensation of needing a wee, I can just about tolerate a full elbow in my face and a knee in my back. And I've grown quite accustomed to my full arse hanging off the bed. OK. Finally time to sleep. I can easily fit two hours in...
...(more tiny feet thunder down the hall...Oh FFS!).