2....Or forget to do this and plan to rock the body you've already got.
3. NEVER try on costumes in Primark. Sure you can get three for £20. But the way your soul is destroyed as it dawns on you that your body is too long, your gut is too big and your tits are too saggy to fit into them is not worth the hassle. Invest in an over the shoulder boulder holder from M&S. And try not to cringe as you hand over £36.
4. Spend your £20 Primark money on four jazzy beach dresses. Their soul purpose to cover your wobbly bits when you walk to the all inclusive bar in Lanzarote or you need to cover your bum whilst making sandcastles with your kids on a freeing cold beach in Bognor.
5. Shave your bits. From September to May generally we can all be found covered in a thin (or at sometimes thick) layer of hair. Now is the time to shave your legs, armpits, toes...hell even your fanny. Being smooth will make you rock that over priced cossie.
6. Treat yourself to whatever makes you happy and confident. A lovely new Matalan beach bag, some snazzy new flip flops. You might want to get your hair trimmed or some go the whole hog and get shellacs. No one will be looking at your gut when your nails look like Beyoncés.
7. The day you decide to go to the pool or beach put your costume on indoors first so you have no awkward 'trying to shoehorn yourself into lyrca in a beach loo' situations. Remember to go for three wees before this. As the minute that tight material touches your privates. You will need a p*ss immediately.
8. Pick up your beach bag, shove on your jazzy sandals and beach dress. Grab your kids hands and walk with your head held high to your sunny location.
9. Now this is the important bit. The vital bit. The bit that will keep you going. This shall be your mantra...remember that when you take off that beach dress...NO ONE GIVES A SH*T. No one cares. Whilst it might feel that all eyes are you? They aren't. The only eyes on you? Are tiny human ones. That love you, that adore you, that want to splash you with water, that want you to make a sandcastle, that couldn't really give a f*ck if you were sat in your pants or pyjamas.
10. If you feel unconfident? Splash that freezing cold water at your husband. If you see someone with a cracking body think "well done you" but remember those blissful hours eating cake and drinking gin in front of the tele.
11. The best way to feel beach ready and confident is to remember that when you are old and grey. You aren't going to be recalling that lovely Primarni bikini you squeezed into. But you will recall those happy moments screaming in a pool in Gran Canaria, the times your kids tried to dunk you in Butlins Minehead water park and those wonderful days you spent making wonky sandcastles with the people you love most in the world. And never forget the mantra..all together now #noonegivesas*t