Wednesday, 12 September 2018

The 18 FRUSTRATING Steps To Leaving The House For The School Run

Step 1. Remember how soul destroying trying to leave a house with small people is and decide to begin the process 30 minutes earlier that you need to.

Step 2. Instantly forget how soul destroying trying to leave a house with small people is and do any of the following; quickly put the washing away/drink luke warm tea/decide randomly to tidy the toy box/anything that means you don't have to start said soul destroying process.

Step 3. SH*T YOU HAVE TWENTY MINUTES TO LEAVE THE HOUSE! EVERYBODY GET DRESSED! GET YOUR TEETH CLEANED! WHERE THE HELL IS MY OTHER BOOT! STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER! JUST GET READY!

Step 4. 7 minutes later...no one bar you has moved. F*ck.

You ready bab? OH FFS

Step 5. Encourage children to go upstairs to clean their teeth and wash their face. They come back downstairs. Breath smelling of last nights spaghetti, faces covered in bogies. Clearly no washing has occurred but strangely their clothes are soaking wet and the bathroom is destroyed with mashed up toilet roll and one suspiciously poo covered bit next to the loo.

Step 6. Decide to monitor children cleaning their teeth and washing their face. Remember that if you say "HURRY UP!" they will do the opposite. You bite your tongue whilst they slowly apply the toothpaste. Internally you are dying as you see toothpaste drip down their clean on school jumper.

Step 7. At seven your daughter is more than capable of putting on her own clothes. You leave her to it in the other room whilst you wrestle your five year old into a jumper. Which is like trying to get an eel to wear stilettos. Slippery little b*gger.

Step 8. WHY DID I FORGET STEP ONE AND LEAVE THIS ALL SO LATE? I AM AN BLOODY IDIOT!

Do you know how many times it took me to get the right shoe on the right foot?

Step 9. You go and check on your "reliable" daughter and see that all she has done is remove one leg of her pyjamas and now she is playing with LOL Dolls whilst dancing around to Ariana Grande on YouTube with her arse hanging out. OH FOR GODS SAKE!

Step 10. After some stern words she is now sadly getting dressed so slowly you need to go and lie face down on your bed for two minutes to regain your composure. Whisper swearing into the duvet.

Step 11. WHOEVER INVENTED TIGHTS SHOULD BE SHOT #kneegusset 

Step 12. Both kids are dressed and clean(ish) (God bless baby wipes and their toothpaste removing ability). You run downstairs to begin the process of putting on shoes. And so the wrong foot, wrong shoe dance begins.

I may look cute but my pockets? Are full to the brim of shopkins

Step 13. "THE OTHER FOOT!"

Step 14. Credits where credits due they can get their coats on (I only have to ask them 37 times). The fact they have chosen to combine this with a pirate hat, a hook and a bag of Shopkins? Shall be ignored.

Step 15. And so the wrong finger, wrong hole in the glove dance begins.

Step 16. "NOT THAT HOLE!" you scream whilst worrying what your neighbours may think.

Step 17. EVERYONE IS DRESSED AND WE ARE ALL MANAGING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND WE WILL ONLY BE THREE MINUTES LATE! WE ARE AMAZING HUMANS!...

...Step 18. What do you mean you need a poo?...#FFS
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7 comments

  1. Oh no!! Don’t tell me these things Emma, my daughter only started reception on Monday & it’s all run so smoothly so far...!
    But pair that with me starting a new job today & the morning having to run to a tight ship..I can see within a week it’s gunna be like this 😂🙈!! Shitttt!

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  2. This is my life! On the days I follow step 1, it is a wonderous thing. Sadly that is only really on the first day after the holidays then I quickly revert to all the other steps!

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  3. I actually keep baby wipes on my hall table now because no matter how immaculate my little boy is at 8:15 by the time we get to the door 15 minutes later he has some rogue splodge right on the front of his jumper. I dont know why i worry because innevitably he will leaveschool minus jumper mud from the outdoor area in his fingernails, his lunch half way across his face and coat hanging off his shoulder!!

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  4. Yep... sounds like our house haha! - good luck in the #bibs :)

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  5. 😂😂 absolutely brilliant and spot on!!!!

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  6. I feel personally attacked by this post - have you been in my house on a morning?! Hilarious as always and makes me feel so much better that it's not just me going through this rigmarole daily!

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