Thursday, 27 September 2018

I Will Always Love You (Even When You Hate Me A Little Bit)

To my beautiful girl

This week has been a bit of a tough one. There's been upsets and disagreements. There's been appointments and crying. There have been moments that despite me trying to do my very best for you. You seem to have decided that you don't like me that much. And it's broken me a little bit. I'm hoping you will read these letters when you are older. When you have children of your own. Or perhaps when you are in your teenage years and you declare me to be a "bit of a knob head". 

So I am categorically stating here. In black and white. Even when you hate me or think I am being the biggest of knob heads. I my love. Will ALWAYS love you. Which probably is a bit annoying isn't it? When the chips are down and you want someone to shout at. That someone has become me. When you're doing something that perhaps isn't a great decision and someone needs to point it out. That someone has also become me. I'm your sounding board. I'm your bad cop.


When you were a little baby I was the one that weaned you, encouraged you to walk, made reward charts to make you poo in your potty and put labels on tiny PE shorts when you started school. Your Dad is wonderful but he has always been the good cop who throws you in the air, wrestles you to the ground and buys you Happy Meals when I have to work late. Which is fine. As a life with two bad cops would be no kinda life at all. But even when I am being the baddest of cops. Screaming about messy rooms and trying to help you navigate your way through friendships at school. My heart is still full to the brim of you.

Behind every single thing I do. You are at the forefront. I want you to get ready for school so you get there on time as I know how dreadfully you hate being in trouble. When you have to go to doctors appointments I am annoyingly cheery as I know how much you get upset when things seem scary. Sometimes I try to offer a different point of view to ensure that you don't grow up demanding you are always right. I get sighs, and eye rolls, and silence in return. Which stings. But I'm hoping deep down you feel differently.

I'm hoping somewhere in that beautiful little body of yours there is a heart that knows I have the very best intentions for you. I want you to grow up to be the strong and caring girl I know you can be. And that one day you will realise that living with two good cops would make you pretty spoilt. So whilst there will be days where we go shopping and I sniff you. There will also be days where I pop on my bad cop hat and shout a bit. It might not seem it but on those days. It's the time when I love you the most. 

Now pick up the phone and call your mother. She misses you.

Love your Mummy xxx
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2 comments

  1. Oh my word. Has this just made me sob silent tears at my desk. As a mummy to 3 beautiful girls (the oldest being nearly 21) i have had this for so long. My ex husband is a wonderful dad and most definitely 'Good cop' but god it hurts like an utter bitch to be that bad cop. My 10yr old is a first class eye roller, silent treatment and sometimes stinky attitude that makes me yearn for nappies, potty training and sleepless nights again. Yet I would home school her if I could to keep her with me longer. I hope they do see the mummy who did her absolute best even when she was running on empty. I love them more with every beat of my heart but sometimes it helps to hear that it's not a bed of roses for others too..
    Long may our bad cops reign...even if we are blubbering mess when we watch them sleep..xxx

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  2. Oh god. This hit me right in the feels. Currently in the same situation with my 7 year old. Thank you. I don't feel so "bad cop" now I know there's whole police station full f us!

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