22.6.18

20 Signs You Are The Parent Of A Child In Reception

1) You learn nothing from being at school yourself and end up doing homework with them in a last minute panic. EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

2) You have to read books about some bellend called Biff relentlessly. It also dawns on you when you are helping them with their 'shapes' homework you are not entirely sure of the names of shapes yourself.

3) Due to a child that seems to use his shoes as tool to just scrape the playground floor you have to actually buy shoe polish and learn how to use it. Or find yourself in true Mother style exclaiming "HOW MUCH?" when you go to buy another pair of Clarks shoes mid term.

4) Your child has a far better social life than you and rather than spending each Saturday recovering from the night before. You spend each Saturday at a 5 year olds party. Internally weeping whilst shoving cocktail sausages down your gob in an effort to forget your booze fuelled past.

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Biff is a kn*b

5) You at least once. Forget money for a trip/cake sale/fancy dress day and feel the guilt for weeks.

6) You at least once. Forget to put your child in appropriate weather footwear/hat/sun tan lotion and feel the guilt for weeks.

7) You at least once. OK every time. Leave the numerous fancy dress day outfits to the last minute. Cobble together some sort of crap "he is a footballer!" outfit (in his own actual clothes) and feel no guilt whatsoever. Life is too short.

8) You at least once. Feel secretly happy when someone else forgets something and it's not you...this time.

9) You spend a little bit too much time when thinking about what to buy the teachers as presents. In case this somehow reflects on your parenting skills.

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Totes not worn these for a week straight. Ahem

10) You spend a little bit too much time wondering if it really matters that you seem to wear the same outfit everyday on the school run #jeggings.

11) You wonder if there is some mysterious "Cool Mum" gang. And if so? How you can avoid them at all costs (see above).

12) You want to run up to the Mum who always looks like she has her sh*t together and wears heels all the time and shout "HOW?!".

13) You enthusiastically wave "BYE!" when your child runs into class and try not to look wounded when they don't look back and leave you hanging. Git.

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Mummy! Do you know any interesting shapes? I KNOW A CIRCLE?!

14) You put your son in clean clothes. He comes out with somebody else's socks on. Mash potato in his left ear and paint all down his back. Every. Day.

15) When your child leaves the classroom with another crap piece of art you manage to restrain yourself from going "Oh for f*cks sake!"

16) Yet you don't have the heart to chuck it away and it remains floating around your house forever more.

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I DON'T WANT THIS SH*T IN MY HOUSE (But I shall keep it forever)

17) Despite having more than enough school uniform you will at some point during the week run out and end up cleaning a jumper with a wet wipe three minutes after you should have left the house.

18) You at least once attempt to be a 'cool Mum' and let your child do the school run on a scooter. After three minutes you want to smash it up. You at least once try to be 'nice Mum' and let your child do the school run with a Paw Patrol brolly. And end up walking home looking like a moron hiding under f*cking Chase.

19) You have mastered the art of 'walk running' so you are still speedy but don't give the impression to other Mothers you are sh*tting yourself that you will be late. Again.

20) At least once a week. You sigh at the end of the day as you are emptying a million school letters out of a grubby bag. Look at your other half and say "I f*cking hate the school run".
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