Thursday, 29 May 2014

The Good Wife

I like to think that I am a good Mum. My kids are happy and clean, with full bellies. They go to music classes, regular play dates with little friends and enjoy the odd present (probably a bit too often). I am privileged to only have to work two days a week as a secondary school teacher. So not only do I have all the holidays off. I also have an extra three days a week with my two little uns. All thanks to my husband and him taking a job for a bit more money, a little bit further away.

When we made the agreement of 1) having number two relatively close to number one and 2) me being part time, we had this idea that life was going to be pretty swell. I was going to be mother earth, barefoot in the kitchen, cooking and the house would be spotless. The children would happily play with their shabby chic wooden toys and after they had gone to bed dead on 6:30pm. We would sit down over a home cooked meal, share a bottle of vino, and chat about our days adventures.

Then I gave birth. And the shit hit the fan.

I promise not to shout at you over silly things (yeah right)

I am not a good wife. I'm really not. Sometimes I am here in body but not in spirit. Sometimes my husband leaves the house and I am in my pyjamas and sometimes (OK all the time) he returns and guess what? I am in my pyjamas. I am yet to make him a home cooked meal, in fact we rarely share a meal together at all. And vino? Not a chance. I'm in bed by nine. At the very latest.

Our beautiful boy was conceived to provide our equally beautiful girl with a BFF. But what about us? How are we supposed to stay BFF's through sleepless nights and through bickering over daft things like whose turn it is to put the washing away? "Date nights" I hear you shout! Yes we have had a few. Two stand out. The first I slept through the film 'Wolverine' with my 3D glasses covering my tired eyes and the second? Let's just say the husband was a bit excited to be out and well. He got really drunk. And for those reading this who know my husband. We all know what that means #messy.

I am yet to strike a happy medium between being a 'good Mum' and a 'good wife'. I don't want to be an average Mum. I want to be there, in the moment, soaking up every tiny thing that happens. And it is hard having two really small children. There are times when I couldn't be any happier, watching them play, or cuddling me. And there are times? When I am screaming down the phone at my husband wondering where the hell he is. And why is he 7 minutes late so I can palm them off onto him.

I don't know what the solution is. I figure we need to ride this bit of our hectic lives together out. That in two years everything will have calmed down. Day to day life generally is getting better. Today the husband came home to a clean house, with the washing put away and two happy children I had managed to keep alive for 11 hours all by myself. Today I felt; I'm not a good wife, I'm not even a better than average wife, but I am certainly not a crap one.*

*Please note. I was still in my pyjamas. Baby steps*


How do you balance being a parent and a partner? Are there any easy solutions? 
If so please share!
Post Comment Love

51 comments:

  1. I don't have any solutions for you but, you know, reading this certainly made ME feel better!
    You're definitely not the only one who feels like they can't be both things at once. I barely remember what my husband looks like some days, and we only have one kid... I do think that part of the problem is that society places a huge amount of expectation on us these days. No other generation had to be this involved with their children, this successful in their jobs, AND this good at housekeeping all on their lonesome. When I look around me I see the Italian mummies looking perfect, but they all have cleaners for the house and in-laws who babysit and god knows what else. We're in it on our own, so yeah, my husband gets a good mum but a crap wife most of the time too.

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    1. Yay! You have made me feel better about myself" Sigh to have cleaners that would be amazing. I had one when I worked full time it was the dream. Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving such a lovely long comment! xxx

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  2. I love your wedding dress. It is amazing! And you look beautiful, as ever. I think you kinda have to give up on being a great or good wife until your youngest is three. That's my goal. Until then, just settle on being not too crappy but a good mum! :) xx

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    1. Thanks bab! Yeah you're right. I recks in two years it will all be ok. Unless we have a third???? Good god my hub would leave me xxx

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  3. I am a terrible wife. I phone up my husband at work to rant at him if he did something like buy an extra bag of frozen sweetcorn and i feel like its taking up too much room in the freezer. I am proper unhinged at times. It's why i need gin :)
    p.s love your wedding shot, you look gorgeous and happy x

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    1. Thanks bab! Gin solves most things. Unless the hub forgets to check that you have gin and you have run out and then you row on him when really it is your fault but it is so his fault. Obvs x

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  4. I am male and fulfilling the main childcaring role so I am a considerably worse wife than you. I, too, have been working part time and my wife and I make the effort to sit down and most nights eat a home-cooked meal together (I say cooked, it's usually cooked, frozen and then defrosted on day of consumption). Since our eldest started school, however, this has happened at the expense of housework and as for our garden, it's a disaster zone. I think the tale you tell is remarkably familiar. Even I could relate to it!

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    1. Loved this comment! I love it when Dad's pop by as a week or so ago I got some horrid Dad trolls from across the pond so lovely to see you can relate to my doom too. We are all as crap as each other. Which in a weird way is comforting xxx

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  5. me! I am the worlds worst wife. great post.

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  6. hang on whos wrote this blog post? oh it wasnt me! Woppeee someone just like me!!! #dontfeelsobadnow!!

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    1. In the worlds of Michael Jackson....you are not alone. Oh that makes me sound like stalker. I'm not! xxx

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  7. Hate to be the voice of doom but my youngest is 5 and am still a crap wife. You kind of get into the swing of being crap and thus continue on your journey of crappidom!

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    1. Oh god the crap wife will never end!!! One day I SHALL make my hub a meal. Not just consisting of bloody waffles!!!! xxx

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  8. I'm a crap wife. My hubb rarely comes home to a clean house, cooked meal or me out of my pj's. So don't be too hard on yourself because you sound like a normal wife to me. #PoCoLo

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    1. YAY! I am normal! It appears most people are crap or the other wives are cooking and are too busy to be on social media??? xxx

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  9. Ahh Em you look so gorgeous! Sigh. We were so naive on our wedding day, eh? I love this post! It's in my top 5 of your posts now. We are just the same, except we didn't make any agreement, so therefore I can't break any, HA! xx

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    1. Yay I am glad that we all in this together. I am cross that I made this agreement. I shouldn't have opened my big fat gob! xxx

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  10. Oh gosh, I completely know what you mean. I'm always feeling like the world's worst wife. I wish there was some magic solution ha ha . Fab post xxx #PoCoLo

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    1. Ahh glad you enjoyed it. I am sad I am crap. But not sad enough to cook tea rather than sit blogging in my bed. Not that sad xxx

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  11. We've all been there hun & all I can do is offer tea and sympathy and the promise that life will get easier, although this may take a while. In the mean time just go with the flow, try not to beat yourself up and remember that you and your husband are on the same side - it's not easy! Thanks for this honest and refreshing post x

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    1. Glad you liked it! Me and the hub generally get along. He is a good egg and is a real sweetie to be honest. One day I shall back him a lasagne. Fresh. Maybe in 20 years or so?? xxx

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  12. Being just good and not be a mediocre mother or wife or me is what I also aspire for. Sometimes I am successful in being a generally good person but a lot of times I .. I am not. But I think whats good is that I strive to be better. That would do for now for me. #pocolo

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    1. Ohhh very wise words lovely. I love it! I do try my best and things are getting easier. One day I will be super Mum (maybe?) but for now the kids are happy so that's all that matters xxx

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  13. 2 young kids is very hard, ours are 4 and (in two week) 3. In September they start school and preschool respectively and I'm finally starting to ome out of the haze but it is really hard and the person you're most likely to take it out on is the one who shows up at the point where you're exhausted and fed up. Just remember you're not alone and anyone who says it isn't hard either has a full time nanny or is fibbing xx

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    1. Yay! Thanks for this. It is hard and I do think at some point in the next few years it will calm down? I hope????? xxx

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  14. Balance? What balance? One thing I've learned though, things are not as bad as you think it is. Oh and husband's are usually clueless anyway ;) So I bet you are definitely doing fine, if not great! ;) #PoCoLo.

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    1. Ah thanks! My hub is lovely. He is so laid back he probably isn't even aware of my crapness. Which quite frankly is the way I want to keep it! xxx

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  15. We have just the one child, and I don't work at all, but even so I am a crappy wife! I love my husband with all my heart, but sometimes it's hard to show it in amongst all the day to day admin to deal with! Sounds like you are doing a pretty awesome job all considered... X
    #PoCoLo

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    1. Ahhh thanks. I am a crappy wife but I am trying.I think you are a marvel staying at home. It would totally and utterly kill me! Work is my break. How weird is that? xxx

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  16. Being with kids all day is draining and it's hard to be that wife you always thought you'd be when you're emotionally exhausted. Maybe you'll start to have days more like you imagined when they start school. Even then, it's a toss up depending on how many activities and homework assignments and other things are vying for your time. Love your honesty and humor! I bet you're doing better than you think! #allaboutyou

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    1. Hopefully I am doing better! I do worry. It is a constant juggling act. But it is getting easier!!! xxx

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  17. I'm not sure that i was supposed to smile reading this, but i did! So true, & such a great post! :) xx

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    1. Smile if you want! Glad you liked it xxx

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  18. Hehe I'm a rubbish wife too. I mean, really crap! Hate housework and hate cooking. I'm also lazy and disorganised. Oh dear. x

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    1. YAY! Let's just be really crap together! Huzzah! xxx

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  19. Show me the 'perfect wife' and I'll eat my heels! ;-) None of us are perfect and I think that's how we survive. Parenthood is tough, exhausting and all consuming. As a mum to a very active toddler, I often have zero energy left for my self, never mind my husband when he comes home from work. And I don't think I'm alone when I say that! ;-)

    I don't know what the answer is but I do know these things: wine helps, so do date nights (the key is to do them more regular!) a sense of humour is a must and no matter how shitty things get, you just need to hang on in there. Here's to the honest wives club! (Note I'm removed rubbish and replaced with honest). Thanks for sharing! :)

    Love and pouts, Katie / Pouting In Heels

    #AllAboutYou

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    1. YES HONEST WIVES UNITE! We defo need to do date nights more often. It think the trouble is they are so rare that when we do get together it all kinda falls apart which is a bit of a nightmare. Thanks for stopping by! xxx

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  20. I am so crap, that Andrew is now getting annoyed at me constantly pointing out how crap I am, rather than the crapness itself?

    Now that is taking it to a new level, I feel.

    xx

    #AllAboutYou

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    1. Ha ha ha! It is like a 'crap off'. It appears most of us are crap, Which I feel is wonderful xxx

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  21. I'm pretty crap too! But lets not forget that there are bad hubbies too! Sometimes they expect too much of us and don't give enough support. I guess this is why there are so many relationships that hit the wall when small children are involved. My best friend's husband left her when their first child was two and their second was 6 months old. Its a lot of pressure eh? X #Allaboutyou

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    1. So much pressure. I've had friends in similar circumstances. It is hard having little ones. It is defo getting easier though xxx

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  22. Oh hon I'm sure we all feel like this at points. The early days of child rearing are *really* hard- learning how to be a mum usually means the hubby gets sidelined. I know mine did, and still is to an extent. Have faith that you married well and you'll get your relationship back on track when the kids are a bit older xx #allaboutyou

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    1. My hub is a good un and does put up with me being a little bit mad. Which is ace! In fact I just shouted at him then and he was fine. Let's hope he puts upm with the madness for a little while longer eh? xxx

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  23. Don't be too hard on yourself lovely - it is really hard and anyone who ever thought having kids would 'fix' something in their relationship was very wrong. It can put the strongest relationship under a lot of strain! Like you say though I am sure (or at least I hope) it gets easier as the kids get older! Sounds to me like you are doing a fab job, you can only do so much after all! xx #allaboutyou

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  24. It's a toughie, but we all go through it. I don't think it's about the big gestures, it's about the little everyday things that keep a relationship flourishing - kisses, cuddles, snuggling up on the sofa, holding hands, nothing major. And if you can't go out for a date night, make a date night at home. #AllAboutYou

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  25. Caroline is right, don't be too hard on yourself. It is tough taking care of little ones, making sure the house is tidy (somewhat) and keeping everything ticking over nicely, even if that means staying in your pyjamas the whole time!

    It does get easier when the kids are at school, my two are 9 and 5 and they've been in full-time school for a while now. I have all day to do chores, time for the blog and writing and even time for the hubby. I tend to plan out meals that we can all sit and eat together. They're never super difficult and never take longer than 40 minutes. I've got tons of cook books and recipes for great meals and pick and choose the easiest and quickest ones. I think even if it's just 10 minutes that you have together just cuddling then it's a start. Reconnect by holding hands and reminiscing or simply be together for those ten minutes.

    Having kids is tough and those years when they are young can be very taxing on energy levels. Don't beat yourself up, just go with it. #AllAboutYou

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  26. I love this post, so honest and true and something that each and everyone of us can relate too. I am the same, mostly in my jammies as the partner leaves for work, like hell am I going to be dressed before 8am! I have three tiny people to dress & feed first, lol. I have no advice for a balance, just...to be yourselves, be honest and true to eachother. Nothing else to it really. #PoCoLo x

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  27. Great post brummymummyof2! I laughed and empathised and related and loved these honest words! Thanks for sharing this #AllAboutYou

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  28. Such a brilliant post AGAIN! I think that it is rare not to feel like this sometimes, but also think we have to make time for our relationships, even if date night is at home (crack open that vino!). What it means for us is that the kids don't get de-prioritised, and I juggle hard to give time to my relationship - of course it's never enough - but me-time really suffers, and that's where I take the small wins. Thanks hon for linking to #AllAboutYou

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  29. Oh my god, I feel exactly the same! I apologise to my other half all the time for being a crap wife and i'#ll be better in a couple of years...but will I?

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