Thursday, 12 February 2015

The Don't Beat Yourself Up Guide to Being a Crap Friend

Before on the blog I have talked about being a crap wife. How it can be hard to have the brain power to invest enough time into your other half as well as keeping other small humans alive. But the good thing about that is most of the time your husband or boyfriend loves you regardless. You also can see him when you're in your jamas and in your own home. There is not much effort to be made. You can sneak in a chat in between playing candy crush and stalking people on Facebook.

Friendships? Are a bit more tricksome. As you know, your friends don't like live with you? Some of them live more than ten minutes away, which involves getting in a car to visit, which involves putting a bra on. Gah! Since becoming a Mum I have noticed my friendship group has definitely got smaller. Not because they are all bitches and ditched me. We just grew apart. In fact it probably was me more than them. I was intolerant about love life woes when I hadn't slept for six weeks. I was a bit put out when their eyes glazed over when I bored on about weaning. 

RABID TO BE AWAY FROM OUR CHILDREN! WAHOO!

Like with any life changing event? People are going to end up feeling different and start to have different interests. It's kinda like when in secondary school you decided to like Take That. Your friend The Levellers (this was 1992 people). And that was that. You started hanging round with different people. Yeah you would look at each other fondly across the playground and remember the times you both fancied Zac from Saved By The Bell but you knew you were changed. And it's proper sad. I've spent many an evening reminiscing over friendships I've f*cked up by never quite managing to organise a meet up. Or perhaps not going to a wedding as the baby was ill. Or I had morning sickness or...the list is endless. You know the score. It's bloody horrible. And the guilt is yuck. But you know what? Life happens.

We aren't all able to pop to Central Perk at the drop of a hat to enjoy muffin and a chat about what happened on Friday night. As Friday night would be literally be the same as every other night and the muffin? Would be smashed into a thousand pieces by a teeny tiny fist. But what I would advise is with those few friends you still have a real connection with? Then proper treasure them. Make the effort to put on your bra. Well in fact? With three of my closest friends I don't put my bra on. I drive to their houses on the evening in my pyjamas. Yep. Their husbands and partners don't care. Their kids expect it. And yes. This does sniff a bit of me being a tramp but if it means I manage to squeeze in some extra precious time with my chums? Then so be it.

I made an actual real life Mum friend!!

There is no way round this one. If you are a bit of a crap friend. Then expect there to be some casualties along the way. If you organise to go to the flicks to see the new Hunger Games with your mate? And your forget? Three times in a row? Then your mate quite clearly will be in her right to prune you. I'm allowing to let you beat yourself up about that one. You fool! What being a Mum does call for is getting one of those dreadful family calenders. And getting sh*t organised. And also explain that things happen and give plenty of notice when they do. Controversially your kids are the centre of your world. And no-one elses. I know! It's dead rude isn't it?

It sounds crap but it is also good idea to bite the bullet and make some new 'Mum (vom) friends'. I dunno at the Sure Start or in soft play. As other Mums are also a bit lonely and get the fact you are now sh*t. They get you may cancel due to croup or conjunctivitis. They understand that you might not want to go to a club or if you do you will get wrecked and sob about your children. They understand crazy. As they are it.

Two of us don't have bras on.

There is no resolution to being a crap friend. You have to accept you can't spread yourself to thin and understand people will do one if you continue to let them down. You have to treasure the close friends that stick by you and will listen to your boring troubles about pre-school places. You need to invest time and be accepting that they may be useless in return. And maybe one afternoon over a hot chocolate and cake in the local child friendly coffee shop? Suggest you visit them for a vino one evening minus your bra. But just think very carefully how you word it.

12 comments:

  1. Love this, my friends all live in the North and we all accept that I won't make every event because a) I live in the South and b) have Oliver. But we do try to get a meet up at least twice a year and keep in touch via a whatsapp group - technology has definitely helped save friendships!

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  2. Love this, my friends all live in the North and we all accept that I won't make every event because a) I live in the South and b) have Oliver. But we do try to get a meet up at least twice a year and keep in touch via a whatsapp group - technology has definitely helped save friendships!

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    1. That is such a good point! I think that technology really has saved the modern friendship. My bestie is moving to Southampton soon and I know face time will save us! x

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  3. This is so true! My friends these days revolve about how near they are. Luckily one is still my longest serving having been friends from nursery ourselves. We've managed 38 years of friendship! The other is a new friend in terms of only met through the school run but I happily turn up in pj's & slippers. I have friends for eating out, friends for cinema and friends I can only see once or twice a year before I want to kill them. Nurture them all :P

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    1. Good point. You really have to treasure your friends and invest time in them which can be really hard! I am glad you have lots of chums to do lots of different things with x

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  4. Ah I loved this post. Quite liberating for me. I regularly feel like a crap friend but do try to hang on to those who are dear to me and accept me for who I am - they are certainly worth making the effort for. Couldn't imagine life without them. x

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    1. Ah glad you enjoyed it! I too like to hang round with people who know sometimes I can be a bit crap and thats ok. Because they are! x

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  5. Love this post, and agree that treasuring the important friends is the best way to go!

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    1. Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. It is totes the way to go! x

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  6. I lost most of my friends after kids as life got in the way and things changed considerably from how they were before A came along. I now have a group of awesome Mum friends who I could probably go see bra-less and they would still love me :) x

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    1. YAY! Friends who don't mind you getting your floppy tits out are the best! x

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  7. Aww I love this post too. I have lost touch a bit with some of my childless friends. They just don't get it but some are just understanding so it's great. Definitely agree with making mum friends. I had to cancel on mine about 3 times in jan due to illness and then babysitter cancelled on Valentine's day. But you just get it if you got little ones ️xx

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