2) Fight with your other half over who is more tired. Then cry.
3) Drink copious amounts of luke warm tea/coffee or have a diet coke permanently stuck to one hand. One in the baby bag. One in the car. One next to the bed. One in the bathroom where you left it a few nights ago. Or was it a week ago? F*ck knows you're too tired to remember.
4) Start to develop inappropriate crushes on CBeebies presenters just to get you through the day. You know if you were married to them they would get up with the baby. Unlike your f*cking husband.
I. Just. Want. My. BED
5) Eat cake/biscuits/treats meant for the children. Kidding yourself that as you are not sleeping surely you are using double the amount of calories so require double the amount of food. At least. Probably three times the amount. All carb and sugar based. Obvs.
6) Text your husband that you are most tired.
7) Count down the seconds until your baby naps so you can nap. Only to have a PPI phone call which wakes you all up. You either a) cry down the phone at them b) tell them to f*ck off c) both. Then have a cake and a diet coke.
8) Watch Made in Chelsea. Not jealous of them being young, slim and pretty instead you curse the youth for going out and having fun when they should be making the most of f*cking sleeping.
I'm soooooooooooooo tired
9) Meet up with other exhausted friends in the nearest place that serves tea, your 'calorie free' cake and doesn't mind you turning up looking like a tramp. And then have a "no sleep off". "I've only had an hour" "Well I've only had 43 minutes IN A WEEK" and so on. You leave safe in the knowledge you've had less sleep. Therefore you win at 'momming'.
10) Day dream about running away to a hotel. Could be by the side of a motorway. Or just the one above KFC 10 minutes away. The location makes no odds. You fantasise about fresh white sheets, black out curtains, no phone and most importantly? NOT ONE MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY NEAR YOU. Bliss.
11) Fall into bed at 8pm feeling so sick with exhaustion that your body aches, your mind is a blur and you can't remember when you last brushed your teeth. Then wake up worried at midnight that your child has not woken up once. You lie there. Not able to breath or go for a wee in case you wake them up. Convinced something is wrong. Then? You hear an almighty scream, you breath a sigh of relief and make a note in your fuzzy fog riddled brain to get more diet coke tomorrow and remind your husband that "YOU HAVEN'T SLEPT IN A MONTH".