Sunday, 22 January 2017

9 Things I Swore I Would Never Do As A Parent. (But Now Totes Do)

TV
I vowed my little one would not watch tele. Oh no! I would read them books from day dot. I even bought those black and white ones especially made for babies...day 4? I was weeping with exhaustion whilst my baby was transfixed by Baby TV. Now? I can sing a myriad of theme tunes. Have a small stalkerish obsession with Mr Bloom and my son can sign language courtesy of Mr Tumble.

McDonalds
I thought Mums that took their kids to McDonalds were...well just a little bit...common. Now? I can confirm that MCDONALDS SAVES LIVES! Baby asleep in the back of the car? Nip in the drive through and grab a McFlurry and a Diet Coke. Toddler screaming blue murder as they have just had jabs? McDonalds it is! Can't be arsed to make tea? ANYONE FANCY A NUGGET?

Fancy a nugget bab?

Baby Spam
This is one of my most nauseating things. I used to hate it when random baby photos popped up in my Facebook feed? "Baby's first poo!" or a blurred photo of a rather funny looking little bugger in a Villa kit. Now? I feel that life isn't worth living unless I am tagging us in at 'In The Night Garden Live' or taking a photo of my daughter's sh*t art. I HATE MYSELF.

YouTube
"What kind of parent would leave their child alone to watch YouTube?" I would gasp. Me. I do. When I really needed a wee and it's the only way I can escape. After a rather interesting video they stumbled upon about men dressing up as My Little Pony I now pay more attention whilst they scroll. Unless I need a hot cup of tea of course.

Cheesy Family Photo Shoot
Even as I am smiling in these shots I can see I am thinking "good god what have I become? Where is the hip and trendy youth I once was?". I love this cheesy shoot SO MUCH and they are dotted around me house for my childless friends to mock behind my back.

Men aren't on there dress as Twilight Sparkle are they?

Cry Like A Maniac
On X Factor I would see the Mums weeping and shouting "GO ON BAB" whilst their spotty son sang some crap song and would think "why can't they tell them they are crap? I would tell my kids if they couldn't sing". Wrong I wouldn't. I sit through every dance recital, nativity, Rainbows pledge and weep like a maniac. And if Simon ever DARED tell my girl she couldn't sing? I WOULD SMASH HIS FACE IN!

ALL The Smarties
When I weaned my first born I did everything healthy. There was butternut squash up the walls and pea puree in my hair. My Mum bought her an Easter egg and I was appalled. By the time number two came along? The first thing he ate was a Birds Eye potato waffle and if I had a pound for every pack of Smarties they had consumed in the past 5 years? I WOULD BE A BAZILLIONAIRE.

CHEEEEEESSSSY...everything about this is so cheeeeeessssyyyy

Bribery
In Asda I would see parent dragging a screaming child around who in the next breath would be beaming whilst carrying a giant Peppa toy. I swore I would never ever bribe my kids. Nowadays? My children are master manipulators in getting me to give them what they want before they do what I want. Kinder Egg or over priced magazine anyone?

NOT Cherish Every Moment
I always imagined that I would cherish every moment of being a parent. And of course I love it. It's changed my life for the better and I could not imagine my life without them (OK sometimes I could). But it can be hard to cherish every moment. Especially when there are tantrums, or tears, or no sleep. But the YouTube, Smarties, bribing, McDonalds and TV? Make it a lot easier to enjoy don't they? So that's all that matters.

4 comments:

  1. Yes yes and more flaming yes'. Children change youfor the good and other to prove your childless self wrong.

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  2. I do all of this!! Haha. Totally. Brilliant. I used to unfollow people who did baby spam. Now I've set up my own blog to do it!! I'm the worst

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  3. Haha this is spot on. The YouTube thing made ma laugh as I am super slack with it then Alf told me about the funny video where the men bash their willies and I thought yep time to parent. Macdonalds is the best and I gave a very clear response to a child free friend that decided to write a FB post about how disgusting it was taking kids there, may of told her where she can shove her nuggets.

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  4. Yes, yes, yes! Thanks for this dose of reality!

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