Let me start off by saying I am a little bit fat. I know I am a little bit fat. I am not a little bit fat because I have just given birth. My youngest is five. I am a little bit fat as I really love cake, chocolate, gin and watching the television. There is no excuse for me being a size 18 but recently I have started to feel OK with being the way I am. That's not saying I don't look at photos and think "Jeez I would LOVE to look like that" as I do. As it creeps closer to summer I worry about the tops of my arms jiggling and start researching the best swimming costumes to hold my gut in.
In my life I have been everything from a slim size 12 to a larger size 22. And all the pit stops in between. I've cried in River Island when I couldn't get a top to fit me. And I lost five stone on Weight Watchers to make sure one did. I can assure you when I was a size 12 I had hang ups about my "pillow belly" as an ex boyfriend (bellend) so lovingly called it. Just as I was mortified when my size 20 trousers got holes in the legs from my thighs rubbing together. As women we are never quite right are we. Not the right age, not the right size, not the right look. Nothing is ever quite right. We never feel quite right.
Around 18 months ago it really began to effect me. Being in the industry I am in you are constantly comparing yourselves to other people. Just like with any other job. Expect for rather than judging each other on your skills. It tended to be on the way people's houses look, their figures and the clothes they wear. Disgustingly shallow but those thoughts crept in non the less. I would really worry about what clothes to put on. There is a certain 'look' on instagram. And it is one I cannot pull off no matter hard I try. I look a proper plonker. A crap copy cat. Much like when I got a shaggy perm and lace gloves like Madonna in the 80s.
It would eat me up inside when a job I was up for would go to someone just because they looked better than me. Not only am I a bit fat I am also a bit old. A combination which isn't ideal for brands. But then I did something. I stopped worrying about what everyone else was wearing and decided to wear what I wanted to. I found brands like Joanie with dresses that show off my big wonderful boobs but hide my mum tum. I scrolled ASOS and picked items that looked a bit trendy and gasp...fitted me. I started to not give an actual sh*t. People would say "god isn't so and so's outfit today lovely". And I would agree and happily think "yeah it would look terrible on me though".
Because that's OK. I am finally happy to turn up to events or meetings and watch the beautiful skinny people in their amazing clothes look all gorgeous. As I know I have got a cracking rack. And with the right dress, the right lippy and the right attitude I can look just as good. Well you're right. Probably not just as good but I can feel just as happy. The world needs more people to strut their stuff online and show off their best assets regardless of their size.
So to sum up. Bodies are weird things that we can loathe. They can hold us back. They can make us feel sad. But they can also be dressed in clothes that make us feel amazing and on the right day, in the right light, with the right filter we can look f*cking beautiful. But to look proper beautiful. You really and truly have to believe it yourself (which sounds like a terrible inspirational quote...but is completely and utterly true).