2) You however have a Matalan swimming costume that is three years old that is a little bit see through around the bum area.
3) You hastily picked up some Primark flip flops that have a few jewels on so you don't feel a total tramp.
I AM READY IN MATALANS FINEST ARE YOU?
4) Which accompany your five Primark beach dresses that you think are bang on trend until you go around the pool and see that every other pasty UK Mum has one on. Along with cheap bejewelled sandals.
5) Your body maintenance includes actually shaving your legs (but never going past the knees). You do your pits as well. And also make sure that you tackle that tricky big toe.
6) But your bikini line remains unkempt. Whilst your Matalan cossie is weak around the bum it hides a multitude of sins at the front. That f*ck.
Make up is futile when this is done to your face
7) When it got to Easter you vowed to get 'beach ready' for summer but then someone had to eat all the kids Easter eggs as they really shouldn't have so much chocolate. Then there was a never ending cycle of play dates, visits to coffee shops, Friday night take aways and Saturday night gins. All which are the only thing that kept you going through your exhausting week in charge of small humans.
8) You vow to not get burnt on the first day at the beach but in-between reapplying sun tan lotion every three minutes to your children, stopping your son screaming about the sand and your daughter losing a proper branded croc in the sea? You forget and spend the next week a bright shade of red that clashes with your aztec Primark dress.
9) You thank the Lord of hairstyles that the messy bun is fashionable and combined with your roots you could pass off for an ombre loving youth. Almost like Kendall and Kyle Jenner. When you get your photos back? You look like a greasy haired hobo.
YES HOLIDAY BOOZE!
10) You realise that 'beach ready' means something a bit different now. You can't really wear a bikini as a tit would fall out whilst you rescued a Frozen inflatable from the sea, the thought of wearing anything other than a flip flop around the pool is laughable when you need to chase small children to make sure they don't jump in the deep end and your other half is so glad to get any sort of bedtime action he cares not about your hairy nethers. You are beach ready. As in you are ready to go to the beach and have fun with the family. It's as simple as that.