Sunday, 25 January 2015

Ten Things I Hate About Two

Ah babies. They are cute aren't they? For all their poo-ing, wee-ing, sick-ing and general making you never sleep ever ness. At the end of the day? You can dress them up in a little babygro that looks like a small, cute panda and parade them round whilst occasionally sniffing their Johnson's smelling fluffy heads. You put them to bed the night before their second birthday. Mourning the loss of your one year old. Knowing that there will be a change. But hoping? They will remain your baby that little bit longer.

You my friend? Are screwed. They don't. As if by some evil magic caused by Maleficent herself they wake up on their second birthday and turn into utter b*stards. So behold the Ten Things I Hate About Two. And let's cut straight to the chase and start with the big dog...


1) The. Gulp. Tantrum
When they are babies they show a bit of defiance. You giggle and maybe say "oh he's got a bit of a temper hasn't he?". At two? 'The Tantrum' is taken to a whole new level. Whether it be dropping to the floor in Asda and screaming as they want something random like overpriced Peppa Pig plasters or like my two year old boy? The silent treatment. The ridged and terrifying silent treatment. Like out of a horror film where the child is plotting ways to murder their parents.

2) Talking Gibberish
At the heart of the 'The Tantrum' is the fact that two year olds can't communicate properly. No sh*t Sherlock. How am I supposed to decipher that the word "ON!" in my sons limited language also means "off" "up" "out" and most probably "shove another episode of Peppa ON you n*b". His dummy is now his "MiMi" and woe betide anyone who doesn't understand him.


3) Potty Training
Tick Tick Tick. As soon as your baby turns two? You hear it. The Tick Tick Ticking of the potty training clock. The small voice in the back of your head saying "he really should be sh*tting all over my house by now" or that elderly relative saying "he's still in nappies? Your cousin/aunt/distant neighbour was potty trained by 9 months!". F*ck. Off.

4) The Big Boys Bed
Much like the dreaded potty it's about time that you think about either taking the rails off the cot, or getting them shoved in a bed. Why they don't make cots to contain children until they are like in secondary school I don't know? OK so it may be going against Human Rights but hey at least they wouldn't trash their bedroom. Every. Single. Evening.


5) The Opinion
I swear to god my son learnt the word "MINE!" just to tip me over the edge. When they are babies you can give them a brightly coloured bit of tat, dress them up as little bunny and sit them on a shabby chic playmat and all was well with the world. Now? At two they grab your iPhone, they pull off comedy cute animal hats and they SCREAM in the newsagents when they can't have the latest Mr Tumble magazine. God I hate Mr Tumble.

6) Street Smart
Sh*t. They get clever. They now know full well when they are up before 6am and you try and ease on Teen Mom 2 for some respite. That is not their tele. You can say "oh watch the little girl she's like you!" and whereas before a small cuddle would have sufficed as a distraction? Now they look at you, dead in the eye and say the words everyone Mother dreads "My. Tele". Noooo!


7) Repetition
Toddlers love repetition. And I am sure there is some psychological reason for this but it's just annoying. The same book. The same half hour of Toy Story 3. The same wellies. The same lunch. Like Groundhog Day. But consisting solely of the Father Christmas Peppa Pig episode and ham sandwiches. With precisely five grapes.

8) Playdates
Playdates when they were little were cute and kinda fun. Before two? Kids ignore each other. They would do their own thing and you could have a cup of tea and a good moan about the other half. Now? Playdates are like refereeing a fight between Mike Tyson and Frank Bruno (OK so they are literally the only two boxers I could remember). They shove. They grab. They won't share. And they weep. Cold tea anyone?

9) Independence
Whilst once you were the apple of their eye. You provided their food. You carried them round with you at all times. You are now? Just a hindrance to their 'fun'. You get in the way when they try and throw themselves down a flight of stairs. You grab their hand when they shove it in a bowl of cat food. You scream "NO!" as they wonder what that button does on the washing machine. Again. You have become the enemy. And a right party pooper at that.


10) Ruddy Cuteness
Mother nature isn't daft is she? She knew if two year olds weren't a bit lovely we would all do a runner. So she made them super cute. They are a hybrid of a big headed baby, with stumpy chubby legs and tubby hands. Their new found independence means you often get knocked off your feet with overly aggressive cuddles. Only you can just about decipher their gibberish and when they say "wub uh" it really means they love you. And at the end of the tantrum? Their sobs usually involve a sloppy, snotty kiss. Lovely stuff.

56 comments:

  1. Love this and its so true. we have every one of those issues in our house!

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  2. Love this and its so true. we have every one of those issues in our house!

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  3. Little Man is two in May and apart from the cute I don't want any of this to happen! x

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    1. I am SURE he will be the exception to the rules :) x

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  4. Having got all 4 of mine through the terrible twos, I completely agree with all of the above.
    I won't mention that the terrible elevens are even worse..............

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    1. Oh god no - I don't want that to happen! x

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  5. Oh crap.... I've got all of this to come. ;)

    Jenna at Tinyfootsteps xx

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  6. Awww the toddler...or should that be ARGH THE TODDLER!! :-) x

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  7. I can only relate to this and it is so true! Thanks for writing this up. My nearly 2 1/2 year old drove me mental today!

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    1. They are very clever are totally PUSHING US OVER THE EDGE! x

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  8. We have survived one lot of terrible two's (although now in terrible three's haha) but still have another baby to get through. They are blimin cute though aren't they? Damnit.

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    1. They aren't they. So So So cute. Curse them and there beaut ways! x

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  9. I'd forgotten about all this. You've scarred me for life. SIGHHHH. I am never letting them out the cot - I can't imagine how much destruction would happen. And I hate Tumble too. Massive twat.

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    1. Oh bab he is isn't he? He has such a very round face. It worries me x

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  10. This post is brilliant, absolutely hilarious! I've just posted my 20 month update so I have all this to come, lucky me (!)
    Ally www.messedupmum.com x

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    1. Tee hee! Lucky Lucky Lucky You GULP! x

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  11. This is SO familiar. My niece has just turned 2 and it could have been written about her. She is simultaneously a monster and the cutest thing in our world. For all her bossiness and moods, we love her to bits.

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    1. Same here. Despite him being cray. I wouldn't change him for the world x

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  12. I'm sooo with you on this! My little "angel" is turning 2 next week and the huge hissy fits we have over nothing are just crazy!! I don't remember my eldest being like this! (maybe I have forgotten about them?!)

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    1. You repress them. It is the only way that we would have another one! x

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  13. Haha I know this one well, my little man turns 2 on Saturday and I am NOT loving this. My others never really did the terrible twos and I was a little bit smug saying "oh no mine haven't hit that stage". They did have a few moments when they were three and have challenging times now they are 4 and 6 but my nearly 2 year old is making up for it big style. He has got the throw on the floor tantrums to a 't' although I just step over him and walk away. He slams doors in my face, throws plates of food on the floor (and goes without unless he eats it off said floor). It really is one thing after another, defiance IS his middle name!

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    1. They are such stubborn sods aren't they? In a way? You have to kind of admire it! I am also very stubborn so she so gets it from me! x

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  14. Oh noes I have got all this to look forward too, best rest up for the next 11 months looks like I am going to need my strength!!

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    1. Get all the rest you can lovely! You are going to need it! x

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  15. Oh yes! All so true! Thankfully, Little Man now talks very well, so I know what he wants all the time. Biscuits and Gigglebiz. Oh, and painting 'me do painting'. Repetition is probably the one that kills me the most, and I'm ignoring that looming potty situation! xx

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    1. It is so hard as you want to seem like super mum but it's just rubbish doing the same thing over and over again x

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  16. Thank you for this. I roared with laughter reading the list and almost lost it when I got to the Toy Story bit. (It's always on in our house!).

    Just a brilliant post, as a mum to a terrible two (albeit ridiculously cute) you really brightened my day x


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    1. Tee hee! I cry at the end EVERY TIME! IT IS SUCH A SAD FILM! x

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  17. So true! We have a 19 month old and those first tantrums have already come, dread to think what terrible twos will be like! Brilliant post :)

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    1. Oh good god. Hold tight. You are in for a bumpy ride! x

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  18. We have just entered the dreaded "TWO" for the third time - I am not looking forward to the next 12 months!! Ok slight exaggeration, but I am not looking forward to the tantrums and all other 8 points - although the cuteness I can deal with :)

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    1. Hell yeah. Good job they are cute eh? x

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  19. I am so glad that the twos are a dim and distant memory. I am scarred for life by them though and the terrible threes, frightful four and fives ... it does get better doesn't it?

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    1. At some point it HAS TO DOESN'T IT???????

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  20. awh I love this but can't imagine that little man giving you a moment of trouble. He is too cute - I love the way he potters off x

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    1. He is a little munch. We so need a playdate x

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  21. First of all you had me with the title....genius ......a lovely curly haired Heath ledger just came to mind, so thanks for that!!!

    Also what the hell is this, why does it happen, it's not ok. I'm feeling Arthur heading this way as he creeps closer to two and it is truly terrifying! Xx

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    1. Why does it happen bab? Why? And RIP the fit Ledge x

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  22. Oh gosh how scary is that! Having said that that's pretty much Holly now and she isn't two until September *gulps*. Good luck hon!xx

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  23. Oh the tantrum and the repeition- I know those well! x

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  24. Hahahahaha!!! This is great!! My kids are 12 and 9 now. I just have pre teen hormonal attitude tantrums to deal with now! Which is great fun!..... NOT!

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    1. Oh good god. Make it all stop!!! Surely it must get better??? NO! x

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  25. It's true bab, the cuteness is what saves my boy. He is ridiculously funny and adorable (like all two year olds). Otherwise I might run away.

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    1. And I would of sure be running with you x

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  26. They are at the end of the day cute so all is forgiven =P

    #sharewithme

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  27. Oh Emma I love this and you are always so funny and clever in your writing. I love the way you write your blog. I have to say your ruddy cute photo is precious. Made me go AWWWW out loud. I can relate to all these although a few minor edits ours is Lighting Mcqueen AGAIN and instead of 2 my kids decide to go nutso at 3 and be pleasant at 2 to give me a false sense that we may have been one of the lucky ones to miss terrible twos. Aren't they clever? I am waiting for MM to turn 2 to see if she does the same. hahaha Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

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    1. They are so clever and I am holding off letting him watch Cars as I know he will love it!!! x

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  28. Yes to every single one of these!!! I had the gall to try and watch America's Next Top model last week and my son just kept shouting "No this is boring! want my stuff on! Put CBeebies on!"...sigh. And the potty training. We keep attempting this but having no luck and I just feel the pressure from people "oh, he's not potty trained yet?"....argghhhh!

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  29. Ha ha hilarious! It never stops...well not until they move out and have kids of their own!!! Even then there's always something that needs to be resolved!! That's working down from 25, 23, 13, 5 and 2.5 year old ....With a 5 yr old grandchild to add to the mix!!!!

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