Tuesday, 16 February 2016

The 18 Steps To Leaving The House With Small Children

Step 1) Remember how soul destroying tying to leave a house with small people is and decide to begin the process 30 minutes earlier that you need to.

Step 2) Instantly forget how soul destroying trying to leave a house with small people is and do any of the following; quickly put the washing away/drink luke warm tea/decide randomly to tidy the shoe box/anything that means you don't have to start the soul destroying process.

Step 3) SH*T YOU HAVE TWENTY MINUTES TO LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERYBODY GET DRESSED GET YOUR TEETH CLEANED WHERE THE HELL IS MY OTHER BOOT STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER JUST GET READY.

Step 4) One minute later...no one has moved. F*ck.

This human has NO intention of getting dressed

Step 5) Encourage children to go upstairs to clean their teeth and wash their face. They come back downstairs. Breath smelling of last nights spaghetti, faces covered in bogies. Clearly no washing has occurred.

Step 6) Monitor children cleaning their teeth and washing their face. Remember that if you say "HURRY UP" they will do the opposite. You bite your tongue whilst they slowly apply the toothpaste. Internally you are dying.

Step 7) At five your daughter is more than capable of putting on her own clothes. You let her do it herself whilst you wrestle your toddler into a jumper. Which is like trying to get an eel to wear stilettos. Slippery little b*gger.

Step 8) WHY DID I FORGET STEP ONE AND LEAVE THIS ALL SO LATE? I AM AN IDIOT!

Step 9) You go and check on your daughter and see that all she has done is remove one leg of her pyjamas and now she is playing with My Little Ponies. OH FOR GODS SAKE!

Step 10) After some stern words she is now sadly getting dressed so slowly you need to go and lie face down on your bed for two minutes.

Step 11) WHOEVER INVENTED TIGHTS SHOULD BE SHOT.

Step 12) Both kids are dressed and clean(ish). You run downstairs to begin the process of putting on shoes. And so the wrong foot, wrong shoe dance begins.

Step 13) "THE OTHER FOOT!"

The 'terrifying' Pirate of Birmingham

Step 14) Credits where credits due they can get their coats on. The fact they have chosen to combine this with a pirate hat and hook shall be ignored.

Step 15) And so the wrong finger, wrong finger in the glove dance begins.

Step 16) "NOT THAT HOLE!"

Step 17) EVERYONE IS DRESSED AND WE ARE ALL MANAGING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND WE WILL ONLY BE TEN MINUTES LATE! WE ARE AMAZING HUMANS!...

...Step 18) What do you mean you need a poo?...#FFS

The maniacs ARE READY!

4 comments:

  1. This sounds so strangely similar to my mornings, why do we never start early enough???

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  2. hahaha! My girls are still terrible at getting ready. I thought it would get easier the older they got. Nope. They just find new distractions. lol

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  3. OMG but how cute are your kids though! ! Totally love this post. My life. Daily.

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  4. It NEVER changes. My oldest is 8 - 8! - and he puts his foot in the wrong shoe. Why am I helping him put his shoes on? To get him out of the blinking house! Great post, Emma. Hope you've had a nice half-term hon. xxx

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