Monday, 7 March 2016

The Ten Rules Of Soft Play

The First Rule of Soft Play Is:
We all agree that we f*cking hate softplay but it is a lifesaver and one of life's necessities.

The Second Rule of Soft Play is: 
We ALL agree that we f*cking DESPISE softplay but it IS a lifesaver and one of life's necessities. Sob.

The Third Rule of Soft Play is:
We NEVER think about what is underneath the balls in the ball pool. We don't ever think about the p*ss that has probably dribbled down the slide. The thought of spit/sick/sh*t never crosses our mind. And when it does? WE REPRESS IT.

I'm not thinking about your rolling around in sick, p*ss and poo. Nope not at all. GAH!

The Fourth Rule of Soft Play is:
We shall all vow that we won't spend £1 on the myriad of many machines that frustratingly line the walls of the establishment. Then within three minutes we have spent a fiver and are trying to prise ugly Ninja Turtle tattoos out of screaming toddlers hands.

The Fifth Rule of Soft Play is:
(Whispers... you will all at some point feel the fear when you sneak in illegal Fruit Shoots and Quavers refusing to pay £2 for the ones they sell there. You hold your breath the whole time in terror of the shame of being kicked out).

The Sixth Rule of Soft Play is:
When your kid is smacked in the face once by a GIANT child you smile politely at the parents and say "no really it's OK, no it's fine, kids eh?". All the whilst feeling a bit sweaty and judging their parenting skills internally.

There is nothing nicer that plunging deep into some stinky balls

The Seventh Rule of Soft Play is:
When your child is hit the face for a SECOND time by a GIANT child? You lose your sh*t and your husband has to restrain you from physically attacking their parent.

The Eight Rule of Soft Play is:
When your child hits another child you want to die so you overcompensate by giving them a lecture at the top of your voice. With lots of pointy fingers and the phrases "play nicely" "be a big boy" "share" and "we will go home!". Knowing you have NO intention of going home for a good few hours.

The Ninth Rule of Soft Play is:
If your child shows vague interest in another child you encourage this friendship. You choose this other tiny human to be your child's soulmate for the duration of your visit in a vein attempt to get them to play together so you can have a hot tea.

"I came in like a wreeeeeeecccccccckkkkiiiiinnnngggg baaaallllll!"

The Tenth Rule of Soft Play is:
At any point when your child jumps on one of the giant balls you hum "Wrecking Ball" very loudly and megalol to yourself #itsthelittlethingsthatkeepusgoing

10 comments:

  1. I was nodding along to this. It will always be 'soft play hell' but kids love it and there's often free wi-fi so I can get work done too - win! x

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  2. hahaha! This made me laugh out loud....
    When we were at soft play a while ago my girl who was about 7 at the time jumped on one of those giant balls and did actually sing Wrecking Ball! I was mortified!

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  3. Ha ha! Love this. We are just in the early throes of soft play visiting but we have already been to a few where I come out feeling unclean! Yuk.

    Carol x

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  4. Ha, this made me laugh. Managed to escape soft play somehow over the last few months...hope it continues x

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  5. Rule 11: If you see an over-aged trespasser in the toddler section just turn a blind eye. Curse silently and if you really have to, make a quiet tutting noise. Same goes for walking up slides.

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  6. And this is one of those posts when suddenly I don't mind so much that I am childless ;)

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  7. This made me laugh. Somehow I've summoned up the smell of the balls from memory (yuk). A kid attacked my son once and frogmarched him to his mum and told her exactly what he'd done. Nobody messes with my kids!

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  8. Love it or hate it, but can't really do without it :) #MITK #superblogger

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  9. HOW VERY TRUE. I thought my soft play days were behind me with the kids being 10 and 13. But in February half term my friend suggested meeting at a local soft play. I have not set foot in a soft play in about 3 years, and it was still the living hell I remember. PLUS it was half term AND raining x

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