Monday, 7 March 2016

The Ten Rules Of Soft Play

The First Rule of Soft Play Is:
We all agree that we f*cking hate softplay but it is a lifesaver and one of life's necessities.

The Second Rule of Soft Play is: 
We ALL agree that we f*cking DESPISE softplay but it IS a lifesaver and one of life's necessities. Sob.

The Third Rule of Soft Play is:
We NEVER think about what is underneath the balls in the ball pool. We don't ever think about the p*ss that has probably dribbled down the slide. The thought of spit/sick/sh*t never crosses our mind. And when it does? WE REPRESS IT.

I'm not thinking about your rolling around in sick, p*ss and poo. Nope not at all. GAH!

The Fourth Rule of Soft Play is:
We shall all vow that we won't spend £1 on the myriad of many machines that frustratingly line the walls of the establishment. Then within three minutes we have spent a fiver and are trying to prise ugly Ninja Turtle tattoos out of screaming toddlers hands.

The Fifth Rule of Soft Play is:
(Whispers... you will all at some point feel the fear when you sneak in illegal Fruit Shoots and Quavers refusing to pay £2 for the ones they sell there. You hold your breath the whole time in terror of the shame of being kicked out).

The Sixth Rule of Soft Play is:
When your kid is smacked in the face once by a GIANT child you smile politely at the parents and say "no really it's OK, no it's fine, kids eh?". All the whilst feeling a bit sweaty and judging their parenting skills internally.

There is nothing nicer that plunging deep into some stinky balls

The Seventh Rule of Soft Play is:
When your child is hit the face for a SECOND time by a GIANT child? You lose your sh*t and your husband has to restrain you from physically attacking their parent.

The Eight Rule of Soft Play is:
When your child hits another child you want to die so you overcompensate by giving them a lecture at the top of your voice. With lots of pointy fingers and the phrases "play nicely" "be a big boy" "share" and "we will go home!". Knowing you have NO intention of going home for a good few hours.

The Ninth Rule of Soft Play is:
If your child shows vague interest in another child you encourage this friendship. You choose this other tiny human to be your child's soulmate for the duration of your visit in a vein attempt to get them to play together so you can have a hot tea.

"I came in like a wreeeeeeecccccccckkkkiiiiinnnngggg baaaallllll!"

The Tenth Rule of Soft Play is:
At any point when your child jumps on one of the giant balls you hum "Wrecking Ball" very loudly and megalol to yourself #itsthelittlethingsthatkeepusgoing


  1. I was nodding along to this. It will always be 'soft play hell' but kids love it and there's often free wi-fi so I can get work done too - win! x

  2. hahaha! This made me laugh out loud....
    When we were at soft play a while ago my girl who was about 7 at the time jumped on one of those giant balls and did actually sing Wrecking Ball! I was mortified!

  3. Ha ha! Love this. We are just in the early throes of soft play visiting but we have already been to a few where I come out feeling unclean! Yuk.

    Carol x

  4. Ha, this made me laugh. Managed to escape soft play somehow over the last few months...hope it continues x

  5. Rule 11: If you see an over-aged trespasser in the toddler section just turn a blind eye. Curse silently and if you really have to, make a quiet tutting noise. Same goes for walking up slides.

  6. And this is one of those posts when suddenly I don't mind so much that I am childless ;)

  7. This made me laugh. Somehow I've summoned up the smell of the balls from memory (yuk). A kid attacked my son once and frogmarched him to his mum and told her exactly what he'd done. Nobody messes with my kids!

  8. Love it or hate it, but can't really do without it :) #MITK #superblogger

  9. HOW VERY TRUE. I thought my soft play days were behind me with the kids being 10 and 13. But in February half term my friend suggested meeting at a local soft play. I have not set foot in a soft play in about 3 years, and it was still the living hell I remember. PLUS it was half term AND raining x


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