Sunday, 24 January 2016

19 Signs You Are The Mother Of A Child In Reception

1) You learn nothing from being at school yourself and end up doing homework with them in a last minute panic. EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

2) You have to read books about some kn*b called Biff relentlessly. It also dawns on you when you are helping them with their 'shapes' homework you are not entirely sure of the names of shapes yourself.

3) Due to a child that seems to use her shoes as tool to just scrape the playground floor you have to actually buy shoe polish and learn how to use it. Or find yourself in true Mother style exclaiming "HOW MUCH?" when you go to buy another pair of Clarks shoes mid term.

4) Your child has a far better social life than you and rather than spending each Saturday recovering from the night before. You spend each Saturday at a 5 year olds party. Internally weeping whilst shoving cocktail sausages down your gob in an effort to forget your booze fuelled past.

Biff is a kn*b

5) You at least once. Forget money for a trip/cake sale/fancy dress day and feel the guilt for weeks.

6) You at least once. Forget to put your child in appropriate weather footwear/hat/sun tan lotion and feel the guilt for weeks.

7) You at least once. OK every time. Leave the numerous fancy dress day outfits to the last minute. Cobble together some sort of crap/old tatty Elsa dress and feel no guilt whatsoever. Life is too short.

8) You at least once. Feel secretly happy when someone else forgets something and it's not you...this time.

9) You spend a little bit too much time when thinking about what to buy the teachers as presents.

Totes not worn these for a week straight. Ahem

10) You spend a little bit too much time wondering if it really matters that you seem to wear the same outfit everyday on the school run #jeggings.

11) You wonder if there is some mysterious "Cool Mum" gang. And if so? How you can avoid them at all costs (see above).

12) You want to run up to the Mum who always looks like she has her sh*t together and wears heels all the time and shout "HOW?!".

13) You enthusiastically wave "BYE!" when your child runs into class and try not to look wounded when they don't look back and leave you hanging. Git.

At least pretend you will miss me

14) You put your daughter in a bobble every day. More often than not to be lost forever more. You try not to scream when she runs out looking like a scarecrow.

15) When your child leaves the classroom with another crap piece of art you manage to restrain yourself from going "Oh for f*cks sake!"

16) Yet you don't have the heart to chuck it away and it remains floating around your house forever more.

I DON'T WANT THIS SH*T IN MY HOUSE (But I shall keep it forever)

17) Despite having enough school uniform you will at some point during the week run out and end up cleaning a jumper with a wet wipe three minutes after you should have left the house.

18) You have mastered the art of 'walk running' so you are still speedy but don't give the impression to other Mothers you are sh*tting yourself that you will be late. Again.

19) At least once a week. You sigh at the end of the day. Look at your other half and say "I f*cking hate the school run".


  1. Fab post! Nodding along to them all!

  2. Your posts never fail to make me laugh. Sometimes I giggle that much people look at me funny! Oh lots to look forward with my little one then! I love your daughters' masterpiece!!!!

  3. hahaha! I nodded along to all of these and my youngest is in year four and most of it still Oops.

  4. 8m so glad I'm not the only one who appears to wear the same outfit everyday, plus I only have one coat.. All them mums who have an array of different jackets/pullovers/bodywarmers. Tut.
    Haha to 13, mine does that everyday whilst all other kids are clinging on or snuggling bye to their parents. Oh it's just going back to school yourself isn't it!? Lol! Brill post xx

  5. My youngest is in yr1,my eldest is is in secondary,think I would of learnt the school run rules by now,but still standing in the playground looking like a sack of shit next to the "organic" mummy's still makes me feel like an epic fail,and I am still the only one dragging my poor kids back up the road half way to school because I just realised every other kid is in their own clothes and my 9 year old daughter tells me "for gods sake mum,I told u it was non-uniform day 3 times,and I gave u a leeter and it's on the calender and by the way we both need a quid to wear our own clothes!",seriously WTF,are these schools out to get us?

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  7. Very true! I still worry that I will have forgotten money for the various (ie continual) reasons they seem to need it. I have never worried about my appearance on the school run. Maybe I'm doing something wrong?! Maybe I should have done?!

  8. Oh, there are so many things to remember! They have stuff happening every week and then the weekends are filled with the parties! Yes, I feel your pain. Though I am the terrible mother that throws away the art work... Xx

  9. The chocolate minion definitely needs to live at nanas house lol. I have outsourced many works of arts over the years over to my mums house. And when you get to your 9th year of doing the school run you will definitely be saying f**k the school run every single day x

  10. Now I know what it will be like when Ben starts Reception (not looking forward to the books, they need something more exciting!).

  11. Brilliant post!! Scarily accurate! You forgot one thing....when your little darling turns to you the night before and 'reminds you' (read tells you for the 1st time) that it's a cake sale assembly the next day and you have bugger all in the house to bake anything!

  12. Hahahaha I love this- all so true. Especially about bloody Biff! And kipper and chip! ;)

  13. Biff, Chip and Kipper - really! What idiots named these children?! Great article. You forgot the angst of birthday party invites!

  14. Very good!x I should be putting the kids to bed right now and I'm too busy laughing. Well done for surviving the first year. I was so dismayed when my son started off Year 1 crying.. After a year in Reception.. Crying (him not me) it's all stopped now thank god x

  15. Grrr to not missing us, my girl actually WIPES OFF my kiss, every single day!

  16. Not just reception - all the way through until yr13!!! With the exception of Biff books. Happy to leave them at year 2 door.

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  18. Starts with pre-school! Doing *all* of these already and she's not even three yet :(


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