Tuesday, 13 September 2016

21 Parenting Situations To Make You Crap Yourself

Parenting comes with massive highs. The feeling of pure love when your beautiful baby grabs your thumb for the first time. Or the way you watch on with adoration as they take their first steps. But it also comes with something else. Fear. Pure unadulterated fear. And we are not talking about the fear of death, or losing them in a shopping centre as they are a given.

No fear can be found in strangest of places. Things that you would have scoffed at when you were footloose and fancy free. You would have deemed them as pathetic. But now? The tiniest thing can set you on edge and make you lose your mind. Your heart races and you shout at your other half with gritted teeth. So here are 21 parenting situations to make you crap yourself...

1) Not being able to find the dummy. In the middle of relatives wedding. Or worse. A funeral.

2) Reaching into your baby bag and realising that for some unknown reason there is no baby wipe to be found to clean up sh*t/p*ss/vomit/wotsit fingers (delete as applicable).

3) Reaching into your baby bag and realising that for some unknown reason you forgot to pack any nappies.

4) Reaching for your baby bag and realising that you left it at home. F*ck.

5) Trying to get the buggy out of the car and bizarrely you have completely forgotten how to put it up.

6) Trying to put the buggy into the car and bizarrely you have completely forgotten how to take it down.

You didn't leave the wipes and Buzz at home did you? OH FFS!

7) Returning from a day out and getting to bedtime...and your child's favourite toy is nowhere to be seen. And you are sure last time you saw it it was in Thomas Land at 10:30am that morning.

8) Finally sitting down on a Friday night, taking a sip of gin and in the background a toy starts to sing and flashes its lights. Shudder.

9) Arriving at nursery/pre-school/school and it slowly dawning on you that you have forgotten that it is 'must wear yellow for some random charity you have never heard of' day.

10) Arriving at nursery/pre-school/school and it slowly dawning on you that it's not actually open. God damn INSETS.

11) Promising your child a trip to soft play and when you turn up it's the day they are 'cleaning the balls' (WHAT ARE THE CHANCES!).

12) Popping up for a quick wee and returning to find that your child is asleep on the couch. It is 4:30pm.


13) Lying in bed needing a wee. With a small human spread eagled across your bladder. You debate p*ssing the bed just so you get an hours more sleep.

14) The phrase "Mummy my belly hurts". Followed by a noise of someone being sick that cannot possibly be a three year old. More like a 28 year old male wrestler who has been on the beer for 48 hours straight. And had a balti.

15) The 'nits are doing the rounds' letter in the school bag.

16) The 'there have been chicken pox in this setting' cello-taped to the front of the nursery door.

17) Arriving ANYWHERE and there is no wi-fi.

18) A freak storm leaving your Sky+ dead and your children are forced to watch terrestrial TV #firstworldprobs

19) Forgetting the tooth fairy money.


20) Not noticing the 'you have the whole of Easter to complete a project on Italy' letter in your child's bag till the night before they return to school.

21) The phrase "Mummy I baked you a cake at school!". You look at the raisins with suspicion, try not to think of the many tiny pooey hands that would have rifled through the mix and tuck in smiling...the things we do for love eh?


  1. Bloody love this !! And agree with everything .. My daughter is 9 now and I can honestly say .. Hand on heart ... None of this gets any easier !!! I could do a list of pre-teen situations to make you crap your self !!

  2. Aagh! The school project! Younger son is still debating whether he really has to do the geography project that was set in June to be in by 2nd October. And I won't ever touch anything baked at school or *shudder* from a school bake sale. How do I know how clean their kitchen is?! Straight into the food waste caddy!

  3. hahaha! This made me laugh out loud....I think I have been in most of these situations!
    Only yesterday my youngest brought home spaghetti bolognese she made in school with a whole group of other children....I couldn't bring myself to taste it. You are a better mother than I am...lol x

  4. Fab! As a relatively new mum, several had me laughing out loud! Especially the dummy one, for me it was in the middle of a sales conference I had snuck into the back off, whilst still on maternity! Oh and the toys, jez, so regularly am I haunted by the whispering echo of some random children song in the toy box!

    The rest had me realising what is yet to come! :)

  5. Yep! The "you have the whole of summer to complete the project" does mean just that. You do the project, planned to architect standards, while your little one happily spends the whole summer watching Peppa Pig and Ben and Holly before proudly parading into school with a miniature scale model of St Paul 's which they then convince rest of Year 2 that they made themselves. Oohhh the pressure! ��

  6. Unfortunately I suffered from both 5 and 6 on our last outing. My son is now 3 so we rarely use the buggy and my mind just went completely blank. Worked it out after fifteen minutes of freaking out and several frantic phone calls ;)


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