2) Halfway there you start to panic. That they won't go in the kids free soft play. You NEED 45 minutes. 45 minutes to run around kid free and buy as much crap as humanly possible whilst also shoving meatballs down your gob. What if there's a big queue? What if they are full up? WHAT IF IT'S CLOSED?!
3) You are overjoyed that they go in happily. But now you are on a mission. You and your other half run up the stairs and in a 'Supermarket Sweep' fashion start to panic buy stuff you don't need. 100 tea lights? Shove a bag in. Three pairs of scissors? I NEED SIX. You decide your Trofast system needs 8 more drawers in yellow and someone screams "GET A TROLLEY!". That someone is you.
Good old family fun! Ahem
4) F*ck. You've wasted 10 minutes. That leaves just over half an hour to decide what wardrobe you are going to buy for the spare bedroom.
5) Hang on why is this so confusing? Why can't I just find the bit with the wardrobes? Why the f*ck do I somehow keeping ending up in the bit with the fancy kitchens. WHY HAVE I PUT MORE TEALIGHTS IN THE SHOPPING TROLLEY?.
6) Wardrobes found. You know aged nearly 40 you really should be buying something that is going to last. However you find yourself drawn to something that costs £50. You're not entirely sure you can fit it in your car but that just adds to the thrill of the whole Ikea experience.
7) OH GOD YOU HAVE TO GET THE KIDS. You fist punch the air as your husband has to pick them up as he dropped them in. You walk around the rugs. You don't strictly need a rug that looks like it belongs in a students house. But they are £5! You get three.
I WILL GET YOU AN ICE CREAM IF YOU BEHAVE!!!
8) Kids come back high on life and ready to potentially knock over giant vases. You try and restrain one in the trolley. But it's hard for them to get comfortable when they have a huge shelf sticking into their head. As you have overfilled. You end up with another one. More room for candles!
9) You forgot what you came in for, your kids are now just running riot and your husband can't find aisle 47. You've decided you hate everyone. You could kill for a hotdog and you're sad you never filled up on meatballs. WHY DID I DO THIS ON A SATURDAY? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?.
10) You get to the till and vow you won't buy any blue bags that will float around your house forever more....you get three. You ram as much stuff in them as possible. Bribing the kids with an ice cream if they stop climbing on the tills like a climbing frame. Your husband again mentions that he might not be able to get everything in the car. And you? Mentally decide to shove a Trofast system up his arse as soon as you get home.