Sunday, 6 January 2019

17 New School Term Resolutions

1. I will not scream "GET READY" times 5637 each morning between 8am and 8:30am. I won't threaten to take the tablets off my children. Say I am going to ban television or shout "I'M GOING TO PHONE DADDY!" (who won't do anything).

2. I will not fume internally when my children give me the wrong foot for the wrong shoe. Three times. I shall be patient and kind and not say I might ban shoes in the future.

3. I will leave with 15 minutes to spare. I won't in any way shape or form be wondering each day at 8:39am where the hell the time has gone and why my children STILL HAVE NOT GO THEIR SHOES ON.

4. I will check my children's bag each night and make sure that I am fully aware of any non uniform days/random charity hat days/three week long science projects/anything that won't make me go "mmmmmm if you could please remind me what that was again?" when one of the other Mums points it out to me.

5. I WILL NOT GET TRICKED...into take any brollies on the school run. Or buggies. Or scooters. Or dolls. Or oversized teddies. Or anything my two children will promise they will hold but give to me three minutes into the walk. Or try to use as weapons.

6. I will look AMAZING on the school run. My hair will never be unwashed, or a bit damp. I will never wear leggings and an over sized top that virtually looks like a nightie. I won't alternate between 5 year old black boots and Converse and I won't buy a Mum coat this year. This year? I will be stylish AF.

7. When my children get back from school I won't be shocked to my very core when they are starving like they have never ever eaten food before. I won't get cross when I end up making an in between dinner around 4:30pm.

8. When I help out with homework I won't google the names of shapes or have to really think about my seven times tables.

9. When my children bring home a giant mismatched shapeless pile of boxes they claim to be a Minion or I dunno an elephant. I won't try and pop it in the recycling whilst they aren't looking.

10. I won't whisper swear "f*cking Biff and Kipper" every evening when I read about their hilarious (ahem), slightly terrifying and creepy antics.

11. On a weekend I won't be livid that my whole life revolves around thousands of birthday parties and I will never have to run to Home Bargains to panic buy a Paw Patrol set that's half price.

12. I will be prepared for nits, sick bugs, croup, ear infections, more sick bugs, colds, hand foot and mouth and not go "OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!" when they all inevitably arise in the same week.

13. I won't lie awake at night worrying about daft rows that my kids have had with other kids that will be over within 24 hours and totally forgotten about whilst I panic they haven't got any mates and will be alone FOOORRREEEVVVEERRRR.

14. I won't use a baby wipe to clean dirty jumpers.

15. I won't use a baby wipe to clean dirty shoes.

16. I won't use a baby wipe to "freshen up" my privates.

17. And if I don't stick to any of the above resolutions? I will VOW to pat myself on the back each Friday after bedtime whilst having a nice ice cold gin safe in the knowledge? That the's no f*cking school run for another two days.


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  2. Ah, so you do the lying awake at night worrying about arguments thing as well? Had never thought of Biff and Kipper being creepy, but they are, aren't they? Anyway, best of luck for 2019. Hope you keep up the resolutions!

  3. Great post!.
    Charlie |

  4. What is that about the wrong foot thing! EVERY FRICKING TIME! and I'm so glad that I don't have to deal with Biff and Kipper, I ended up with one of those books once and couldn't believe how rubbish they are, whatever happened to Peter and Jane!


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