Long gone are the days of pass the parcel where you either won. Or you got nothing in between each wrapper. Long gone are the days of musical chairs where you would fight for the death until you got that last chair and the only prize was 'the honour'. Now? It's all shabby chic table displays, face painters, juggling baboons who sing Baby Shark whilst making magic cupcakes with their feet (OK I exaggerated). Unless? You are 'creatively challenged' like me. Full of good intentions. Full of dreams of impressing other parents with my creative flair. But in reality full of sh*t. So here is Kids Birthday Parties. My Dreams V The Reality.
GIVE ME STRENGTH!
The Big Idea
Dream: The theme is decided six months before the event. You immediately create a Pinterest board based on this theme. And scour the net for hours each night. Looking at little teeny tiny impractical milk glass bottles to fill with baby blue milkshakes that, quite frankly are a danger to the kids, but will look amazing on your Insta-sham.
Reality: The theme is decided six months before the event. You immediately create a Pinterest board based on this theme. You look at it once, for ten minutes. Immediately forget about it and a fortnight before type 'Magian Range' into Amazon. And buy it all in a frenzied panic.
Reality: You leave it a little bit too late and loads of the f*ckers are busy! How dare they have a life that doesn't revolve around your child? You plan to immediately cut them out of your life forever. Then get a grip.
Approx four million pounds worth of magic tat ordered. Still looks like crap
Dream: It will be a family affair. Together you will have planning meetings where you will put your Pinterest ideas into action. Little striped paper bags will be filled with unique and interesting bits and bobs chosen individually for each child attending. Your husband will marvel at your creativeness whilst helping you make Magician Hat biscuits.
Reality: You. Do. Everything. Yourself. Bags of Poundland and Home Bargains crap fill your living room. Your husband will half arsedly fill three party bags with balloons and a whole host of other crap no parent wants the night before. And even then he will forget to put the Haribo in.
The Big Day
Dream: You put all your Pinterest ideas into practise. You have hired a little room in a local boutique. Your table displays are breathtaking. On arrival a children's entertainer takes over. You and your friends leisurely drink tea and chat about how sh*t so and so's party was last week.
YOU SWEAT ALL DAY AND DRINK TOO MUCH TEA AND ARE MANIC AND WORRY AND SWEAT AGAIN AND RUN OUT OF ASDA OWN BRAND WOTSITS AND NO ONE WANTS TO EAT THE SANDWICHES AND WHY WASN'T IT MENTIONED SO AND SO CAN'T HAVE FRUIT SHOOTS. THIS IS F*CKING TERRIBLE!
My very special friend Mrs Asda made me this cake. Aren't I lucky?
Dream: Your child is the happiest you have ever seen them. They laugh. They play. They eat. They dance. They lock this party away in their memory as you are their Mum and they know you love them and that you have tried your very best to make their day special for them.
Reality: See above.
So screw you Pinterest. You are amazing. Your little ideas are beautiful and stunning and gorgeous. And the very talented parents that execute them are clever and their photos albums will be full of wonderful table displays. Whilst mine will be full of wonky tables full of Fruit Shoots and squashed Frazzles. However. Both albums. Will have happy smiley kids. And the reality is. That at the end of the day that is all that matters really isn't it?