Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Toddler 1. Parent 0.

You will never win an argument with a toddler. Ever. They have the hide of an elephant and are as stubborn as a mule. In fact they have most animal characteristics including being legally allowed to just poo and wee wherever they fancy.

Unlike us it is fine for them to scream and shout in public. Make slanderous comments ("Mummy you're hurting me!!!"). Drop and play dead. Drop and stamp fists and feet. Howl and cry uncontrollably, and the buggers get the sympathy vote from strangers (especially old people who seem to hate young Moms) too. Gits.

So to save you some trouble here is a list of things you should never say or do with a toddler unless you fancy a full blown war where you make the idle threat "I'll phone your Dad!". Knowing full well he will do absolutely nothing. Bar maybe laugh a bit.


Do not take your child to Toys R Us or the Disney shop unless you are willing to shed a lot of your hard earned cash. They will say they know they aren't allowed a toy and promise they will be good. They lie the cunning monsters. They will weep and grab things and make you look like you have never ever brought them a toy ever.

Do not expect your toddler to get jokes. They don't. If you dare to call them an horrific and offensive name such as a "silly sausage". They will howl like you have called them the c word (you know the dead bad one). So don't joke. Tickling is fine. But even that can go wrong if you tickle the wrong place. But you don't know it's wrong as they have never mentioned it before.

Do stick to promises. They have these weird memories do toddlers. Past 30 we are lucky to remember what we had for lunch but they remember promises from weeks ago. So if you bribe them with a chocolate coin and then instantly forget. You best get yourself down the corner shop stat or they will go in a rage. And you will get the guilt. You will be the parent that let's them down. And worry about the future psychological impact. All over a chocolate coin.


Do expect poor behaviour in your friends houses and plan accordingly. A play date sounds a great idea! And then your generally normal toddler goes psycho. Fighting over the most crappest of toy. My girl and her friend once fought over who liked the colour purple most (?). They had to be separated.

Do not rush a toddler. They don't rush. They don't get hurry up or go faster or come on or I'm getting cross now we're going to be late or for gods sake get your wellies on and get in the car. They won't. They will say just one minute or decide they hate the clothes they are wearing. Or worse decide to pack a bag of crap. And if you dare to help them with their coat. They do that thing where their arms go rigid. Or they put all their fingers into the thumb part of a glove. And you want to scream. But you don't. You're just permanently late. For ever.


Finally... just embrace the fact you're always going to lose. That's just the way it is. Once you have given into your fate your life will be a lot lot easier. Take it from someone who knows.

37 comments:

  1. Ha ha, loved the bit about kids in a toy shop. Took my 3 year old shopping on the promise of a new dress the other day. Found myself in the changing room with 11 inappropriate dresses for her to try on - you know the one's with no sleeves (it's winter) or netting (really.. for a school day?). Anyway, as you pointed out it ended badly with her screaming as we left the shop with nothing. Will buy online in the future. Thanks for your post, made me giggle. Caroline

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    1. The doom of clothes. The doom of clothes!!!!!!!!!!! I wrote a bit on letting her choose what she wanted to wear and as you will see it bloody basically turned into her being a princess. For a week. It drives me crackers. I'm going the boy will be far easier x

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  2. Grrr at the bags of crap!! ;)

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    1. Bags of crap make me fume. Especially when they are tipped out all over my car immediately! Argh! x

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  3. Love it, especially the arguing about purple! Only a toddler! I'd like to say it gets better (man I hated people like me!) but I cant. Sorry. Can I add listening to a 5 year old read to the list of child 1 parent 0? Quite frankly its doomed. I'm starting to wonder if she needs to learn to read? Nah thought not! Really enjoyed your post, am off to read more.

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    1. My girl can't bloody draw. She is shocking and it is tipping me over the edge. She can just about do a face but then draws hair all over it. And I can't shout at her because of that but it makes my blood boil! x

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  4. Haha, you've just described my day! Oh and never ever mention going to a party unless you are leaving for said party in the next 5 minutes. Oh the drama of having to explain to a 2 year old the party is in 5 days time!

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    1. Such a good one!!! I've stopped telling the girl when party's are due to the fact she will bang on about it constantly. This year I won't even tell her its her birthdsy I don't think! x

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  5. Ah the joys of never going anywhere fast. Upstairs, into the next room, to the supermarket. It can get so frustrating! But he certainly doesn't understand pleas to hurry up and walk faster (or at all) and woe betide me if I try and help!

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    1. Oh my god they I don't need help I'm a big girl argument is horrific. It drives me crackers. I have to take a real big deep breath! xxx

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  6. So true. It's also funny to watch an adult 'reason' with a toddler when both want the last word.

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    1. It is impossible to win! I have actually cried you know. How sad is that! xxx

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  7. Love it. Thanks for making me laugh. I'll be late for at least the next six years and I've accepted it now. x

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    1. Acceptance is literally the only way :( xxx

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  8. I love the first picture, love the one about hurrying a toddler, we are always on a go slow these days.x

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    1. I either start thengettinf ready earlier or just give in and be late. So annoying! xxx

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  9. About 9 months ago I told my son he could have a batman sticker if he did a wee on the potty, he is still reminding me about this! Still hasn't sat on the potty though...

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    1. The girl got bit by a duck a great go. She still bloody goes on about it like he removed her hand or something! xx

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  10. Here's a don't - DON'T skip naps in favor of running errands. A recipe for a meltdown (yours or theirs).

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    1. Good point! Never ever ever skip a nap!!!!! Worst thing ever. Mine has grown out of hers now. What a sad sad day xxx

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  11. OMG, this post describes my current daily process with my 2 year old!

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  12. You have summed it up to a tee! Fantastic post! Popping over from #PoCoLo

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  13. My youngest is three and I swear he has been taking noes off his older siblings' behaviour since he was born! H is HARD HEADED!!

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    1. They are all a nightmare! Crazy toddlers xxx

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  14. Spot on! Just this week my 3yo has taken agin me laughing at him, or with him. Basically I can't laugh or he has total meltdown. I hope this is a phase. For the love of god, let me be allowed to laugh. Found this post via #PoCoLo

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    1. The girl sobbed for 20mins because I called her Elsa from Frozen. Weirdo xxx

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  15. Brilliant! This is SO true - especially the one about them not getting jokes! Ross didn't get that for ages when he met Grace! Thank you for linking to PoCoLo x

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  16. Haha! There's a reason the term 'threenager' gets thrown around a lot! The selective memory especially applies to both!

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    1. Threenager! Love it! Never heard of that. Fab xxx

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