Tuesday, 15 September 2015

The Don't Beat Yourself Up Guide To (Lack Of) Confidence

I have always been a fairly confident person. Some may say “bubbly” (and we all know that means a bit chubby too). I have worked in PR, used to have my own student radio show (geek) and also I teach. So I am used to talking to different types of people ALL the time. Put me in front of a room full of teenage kids and I will happily sing a song and make a total moron out of myself. But since becoming a Mum there has been a shift. And whilst outwardly I probably look like a right gobby cow. Inwardly? Not so much.

I worry. About stupid things. Things like “is it better for me to cut my daughters sandwiches in triangles as that is posher and we want her to grow up posh don’t we?”. Or I may think I look amazing in the mirror at home but when I step outside I panic a bit about what I am wearing. I avoid drinking wine as I become a bit of a liability. I also continuously fret that I am saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. My confidence has been shot.

My place of comfort. On the couch. We tea, my dressing gown and reality TV

Now this may not be anything to do with becoming a Mum. In fact it could be to do with edging closer towards 40, or physically I’m probably not where I want to be at. Or it could just be put down to years of lack of sleep and the responsibility of two small humans. Who I love so very much I find it overwhelming and brain consuming. Or all of these things combined. I’ve even started to avoid certain social occasions as I don’t really feel I’ve got much to offer in the way of conversation.

And this has to stop. It’s ridiculous. If having children has taught me anything it is that time goes so quickly. I’ve not really got the time to hang around and worry over every minute detail. Whilst I can love my children I also need to start ‘loving myself’ (yes that sounds w*nky). I’ve talked about ‘me time ‘before and I still think this is really important in every Mum’s life. I now ensure each week I go swimming. ALONE. And I perhaps pop to the cinema with a mate, or go for a mid-week drinky. Sure some weeks this won’t happen but I am forcing myself to make a change.

I WENT OUT ON A TUESDAY IN A DRESS AND PAINTED NAILS?? SAY WHAAATTTT!

It’s not going to be easy. I have a variety of events coming up and I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I may say something stupid. Or perhaps don’t look that hot in my dress. But I am going to make myself man up and try and shake it up a bit. And do you know what? I’m an OK person really. I am raising two beautiful children, I scrub up well and I know an infinite amount about both Gary Barlow and Made in Chelsea. So from now on I am going to try and pop that nagging “you’re a bit sh*t you are” out of my mind and get on with life. However I am still going to avoid wine. There is NO amount of confidence that will control me from fighting with strangers after three glasses of that.

17 comments:

  1. You are absolutely lovely, so do get out and enjoy :) Oh, and I'm thinking triangles are surely posher, aren't they? Sadly, my kids have squares...doomed! xx

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    1. Ha ha ha! You are lovely too. They can be doomed together! x

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  2. Oh Em I hear you. I get some of this - a bit different. But anxiety around self confidence. I don't know what the answer is but I think you are doing the right things and it's good to have your time just to be you. Xxx

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    1. YES! And I cannot wait and see you really soon x

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  3. I think you just spoke from the heart of so many of us mums. Your refreshingly honest writing means that women reading your blog might not feel the need to strive for that mirage of perfection we see so often online and through the media. The fact that you're scared you'll say something stupid in social situations makes me think you're pretty great. Because then I'm not the only one doing it ;-) Let's all be 'good enough' together x

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    1. Ah thanks! Yeah I generally feel something really stupid is going to fly out. We are all a bit rubbish! x

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  4. The trouble with being a mum is that you constantly change, as fast as your kids grow. Just when you've got it sussed and feel confident they enter a new phase and you are in over your head and feeling the pressure. You are definatly not alone. I think I fake confidence 99 percent of the time! You totally rock.

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    1. You are SO right. It could be to do with my girl going to school maybe? Who knows! x

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  5. I've felt the same since having my lo. He's now 20 months & I'm due my second & I dread to think of leaving my tiny home of a bedroom to play in the real world in a few months ( which I desperately eed to do as I spent the first 6 months of first baby happier in said room ). I'm also a teacher & regarded as fairly confident or bubbly like you so can uber relate to tbis. Perhaps it's been thrown off our certain on everything course in life having kids .. Or something else entirely.

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    1. Who knows what it is? It is such a strange feeling isn't it? Let's try and rock together x

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  6. What an honest post. I think we all feel like this. I worry that I don't look right or that my conversation is too boring - or I will say something which I think is funny, but is totally inappropriate for the situation. Good for you for doing something about it! I avoid social situations too - or I don't get invited in the first place - and only go out about once every three months.

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    1. It's so silly isn't it!! I am going to try and not feel like such a loon and not worry if people think I am crap x

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  7. I know exactly how you feel, I have been feeling the same. At work I train new and existing store management teams, different people every week so I'm confident and bubbly and always happy, always! Out of work however.......completely different story. You go out there and show them all how amazing you are!

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  8. Yep - and if I DO go out out, I'll wake up around 4.30am running through all the potentially stupid things I said when a bit pissed and beating myself up about it and then be even more tired and grim the next day. I'll stay off the wine with you #gin

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    1. Oh my god that's what I do to lovely! x

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  9. Bah! I hate that little internal voice that makes me think too much. I'm always second guessing how I've come across or walking away from a conversations thinking I would have sounded a lot more intelligent if only I'd said... I think that's why I like to write. You can edit and start again x

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