15.9.15

The Don't Beat Yourself Up Guide To (Lack Of) Confidence

I have always been a fairly confident person. Some may say “bubbly” (and we all know that means a bit chubby too). I have worked in PR, used to have my own student radio show (geek) and also I teach. So I am used to talking to different types of people ALL the time. Put me in front of a room full of teenage kids and I will happily sing a song and make a total moron out of myself. But since becoming a Mum there has been a shift. And whilst outwardly I probably look like a right gobby cow. Inwardly? Not so much.

I worry. About stupid things. Things like “is it better for me to cut my daughters sandwiches in triangles as that is posher and we want her to grow up posh don’t we?”. Or I may think I look amazing in the mirror at home but when I step outside I panic a bit about what I am wearing. I avoid drinking wine as I become a bit of a liability. I also continuously fret that I am saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. My confidence has been shot.

My place of comfort. On the couch. We tea, my dressing gown and reality TV

Now this may not be anything to do with becoming a Mum. In fact it could be to do with edging closer towards 40, or physically I’m probably not where I want to be at. Or it could just be put down to years of lack of sleep and the responsibility of two small humans. Who I love so very much I find it overwhelming and brain consuming. Or all of these things combined. I’ve even started to avoid certain social occasions as I don’t really feel I’ve got much to offer in the way of conversation.

And this has to stop. It’s ridiculous. If having children has taught me anything it is that time goes so quickly. I’ve not really got the time to hang around and worry over every minute detail. Whilst I can love my children I also need to start ‘loving myself’ (yes that sounds w*nky). I’ve talked about ‘me time ‘before and I still think this is really important in every Mum’s life. I now ensure each week I go swimming. ALONE. And I perhaps pop to the cinema with a mate, or go for a mid-week drinky. Sure some weeks this won’t happen but I am forcing myself to make a change.

I WENT OUT ON A TUESDAY IN A DRESS AND PAINTED NAILS?? SAY WHAAATTTT!

It’s not going to be easy. I have a variety of events coming up and I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I may say something stupid. Or perhaps don’t look that hot in my dress. But I am going to make myself man up and try and shake it up a bit. And do you know what? I’m an OK person really. I am raising two beautiful children, I scrub up well and I know an infinite amount about both Gary Barlow and Made in Chelsea. So from now on I am going to try and pop that nagging “you’re a bit sh*t you are” out of my mind and get on with life. However I am still going to avoid wine. There is NO amount of confidence that will control me from fighting with strangers after three glasses of that.
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