2) You have got changed for bed at night only to realise that you have spent the whole day with stickers acting as elaborate Marvel nipple tassells on your top.
The idea of Captain America on my nips is more exciting than the reality
3) You have raisins crushed into the bottom of every pair of shoes you own. Hiding in the bottom of your work bag. Rotting in the car seat and tucked underneath every single chair in the house. F*CK YOU RAISINS.
4) You are essentially a cart horse for whatever crap your toddler wants you to hold #mummyismybiatch
MUMMY YOU ARE MY SLAVE
5) Your car CD collection used to feature music from the charts. Now you find yourself numbly listening to Disney classics. Even if your child isn't there.
6) You have whisper swore "FOR *CKS SAKE" when you have seen play doh in squished in the carpet/stood on lego/noticed a rogue bit of felt on the wall...dining table...bed...you get the picture.
You gave me ice-cream? YOU MONSTER
7) With each journey out you live in fear that at any time your child will drop to the floor and have the Mother of all tantrums whilst you manically look around and smile whilst saying "come on love it's OK". Inside you are slowly dying and vow to never leave the house again.
8) You live in a permenant state of wanting your toddler to have a nap but then realising that if they do they will not sleep till 9pm. "Overtired" is used a lot during this tricky process.
The feeling of 'the nap' is joy followed by fear
9) Your vocab contains phrases like "he's having a growing spurt" (when he demands a third bag of crisps), "do you need a wee wee?" (to be said approximately 5034 times a day when potty training), "he's overtired" (when he's being a horror and you pray to God that he is overtired and that this just isn't his actual personality).
10) When they finally go to bed you find yourself standing and watching them sleep. Rose bud lips, sweaty bed hair and marvel at no matter how much trouble they cause you from 6am-7pm. They still look as beautiful and little as the day they were born #stopgrowingupsofast
I WANT TO KISS THOSE LIPS FOREVER