Sunday, 29 January 2017

The Ten Commandments Of The 'F*ck You' Fours

1. Thou shall take the behaviour that your Mother classed as the 'terrible twos' to a whole other level. Your tantrums are stellar and your screaming is ramped up a decibel or 50.

2. Thou shall be so stubborn that sometimes getting a simple pair of pants on can take a good hour and your Mum will shout "OK GO OUT WITHOUT ANY PANTS SEE IF I CARE" #winning.

3. Thou shall decide all food that you previously enjoyed for the first three years of your life is now quite, quite disgusting. You refuse to eat anything other than nuggets and bread cut into triangles with no crust. And even then you're not very happy about it.

parenting todders
SOFT PLAY MOTHER FOOKERS!

4. Thou shall not walk the way your parents want you to. If you decide to go left? The whole family should travel with you. Or you will just...stop...walking. Or lie on the floor. Or run into the road. Or scream. Or a horrific combination of all four.

5. Thou shall be angry, very angry, very very angry about everything from singing Happy Birthday at parties, to the colour of your socks, to the fact you can't have cake for breakfast.

6. Thou shall mix it up a bit. So when your Mother thinks that soft play is a great reward for good behaviour? When you get there? You will lose your sh*t over the £1 transfer tattoo machine and make her wish you had stayed at home.

parenting todders
"Yeah that biatch be crazy. She gives me cake as bribes! Idiot"

7. Thou shall insist on putting gloves on the wrong hands, shoes on the wrong feet and that coats? Are not compulsory even if it's snowing.

8. Thou shall realise that bedtime is now a funny game. That you have developed tricks to out smart your parents and if they thought the six month sleep regression was tough? Now you can walk, hide and say mean things about how you don't really love them anyway.

9. Thou shall push, pull, pinch, bite and on one occasion spit a bit and make your parents wonder if they are indeed losing their minds. They phone their friends and relatives and whisper spell "WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?". Luckily you can't work out what that means...yet.

parenting todders
BUT I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH MUMMY! #forgiven

10. Thou shall go to sleep and revert to looking like a fresh faced little baby. Your lips that spat that once are pursed and beautiful. Your hair smells like bathtime and your peachy bottom is still able to fit into the palm of your Mother's hand. Which makes your frazzled parents forget commandments 1-9...at least until tomorrow...when it starts all over again.
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5 comments

  1. Are you SURE you're not writing about my niece?!
    I think my sister should read this so she knows she's not the only one!

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  2. Oh god it's like you have read my mind! So needed to hear I wasn't alone on this - I thought 4 was going to be fun! The answering back, the not doing as told and points 1-10 pretty much sum up my week! It can only get better for the fabulous 5's right? Xxxx

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  3. I spend most of my waking life now being told that I am not wuvved any more, and that I am catagorically neither "the best" nor "the champion". I'm trying not to take it personally. *sobs* 😂 This is brilliant and exactly what I needed this morning! xx

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  4. And suddenly I am not quite so broody ;)

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