Tuesday, 2 June 2015

The Nine Stages Of Surviving Chicken Pox

You may remember a mere fortnight ago I was worried my daughter had caught chicken pox. But no it was nits. Phew. And then? SHE GOT F*CKING CHICKEN POX!!! Here we go again...

Discovery Part 1
"Mummy. I've got a spot on my arm!" I look at the one lone innocent spot suspiciously. I look at the grubby dog suspiciously. I mentally add 'flea stuff' to my shopping list.

Discovery Part 2
"Mummy. I've got a spot on my other arm!" 24 hours have passed. I am lying in bed. Being tortured by Granny Murray on Me Too pondering where the hell she gets her hair cut. I pull up her nightie. Holy Mother of God. THE POX.

Day one of being on YouTube full and Piriton

It's OK. It's fine! It's going to be one of those urban legends. One of those "my child only had two spots!" I shall laugh about it in the staffroom at school. It's going to be great.

There is no way my daughter is going to have a really bad case. No way. I better just check her bum in case there is an odd one down there. WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK HOW DID THAT HAPPEN??? SHE. IS. COVERED!

So she has the pox. And it's bad. What does any parent do in this situation? 

Panic. I panic. I run to the bathroom and find a rogue bottle of calamine lotion I have had in case of emergency for four years. And discover? It is OUT OF DATE? The spots are multiplying. My daughter is helpfully pointing them out. My husband? Goes to work.

A spotty girl is so bored she begins to makes me presents

Problem solving
Google! Twitter! Facebook! All of these helpfully provided conflicting advice on the curing of 'the pox'. But I do discover the following: calamine lotion is out, bathing in an oaty pair of tights is in. My ambitious three day max recovery process IS FOUR DAYS SHORT! It takes a week! An ACTUAL WEEK. It's OK. We can go to the shops or maybe pop to Thomas Land? What do you mean that you shouldn't really leave the house? Balls.

When your privates parts are covered with millions of tiny spots. There is no amount of lying that is going to hide the fact that you have the chicken pox. No lies will comfort you whilst you Mother is furiously dragging your hands away from your vagina. Every three seconds.

Unlike nits? The pox? Does not die. It will not go away. There are lotions and potions and many, many baths in mysterious bicarbonate stuff. There are sleepless nights. And weepy moments (mainly me). There is Piriton. There is YouTube. There are presents. Magazines. Arguments (mainly at my husband). There is a week of believing you will never be able to leave your house again. Time stops. IT IS SO BORING!

More YouTube you say??? Well of course! Note the same pyjamas!

So. The pox has been. The scabs remain. We can all move on with our lives. And I am going to be one of those urban legend Mums who can laugh and say "And you know what? My son NEVER caught it precisely two weeks later!".

Yeah right. B*llocks.


  1. I have just spent a glorious 30 mins behaving like a mummy gorilla, toddler on lap, preening her scalp and removing pox scabs. I really enjoy it. She tolerates it. Think she knows it makes me happy.
    But yes, She had it bad. Between discovery of 3 spots at the swimming pool with my bff & her dd at 11am and bedtime at 7pm, around 8 spots appeared. At her worst she had over 100. There were more. I just refused to pin her down to count more.
    Nobody told me about Calamine Aqueous cream. I was at our 24 hour Tescos at 7am waiting for the pharmacy to open at 8am. I was so tired I sat on the supermarket floor and dozed. Thankyou security guard for not noticing me.
    Dug out my least favourite tights and made porridge baths ( helped). 2nd night we slept midnight-1.30am. 3rd night was 5 hrs. 4th night back to normal with a couple of screams.
    nobody tells you that if they get spots all over their privates, its going to sting LIKE HELL. Poor things.
    I spent about a year at chicken pox parties, trying to get it. WHY??!!! It was bloody awful. Get alcohol and chocolate. It will help. Trust me.

    1. The privates bit was horrible! And so was the lack of sleep. I am SO glad it is behind us now...till my boy gets it in a few days. GAH! x

  2. Oh no! I hope your girl is feeling better now...Chicken pox is awful! My eldest actually caught it twice!

  3. Well we've had 'suspected' pox and 'suspected but absent' lice in the space of a week. And I live in Malta! Now if that's not the definition of contagious if you've got it going on where you are too, I don't know what is!

    1. Ha ha ha ha. I am sending you nitty and poxy vibes! x

  4. Ha ha I can fully sympathise, Mads got it at the start of the year and was literally covered. It was awful, but actually having to stay in was the worst, she didn't actually suffer that badly with it in herself, bar the first day. We were crawling the walls by the end desperate to get out! x

    1. It was the staying in that very nearly killed me. Just HORRIBLE BAB! x

  5. Oh the pox! It is just the worst. My eldest took it last year...exactly 2 weeks later, my then 2 year old and 1 year old both took it at the same time...and worse than the eldest! It.Was.Grim. Longest 4 weeks of my life. Ever. Just to warn you....'they say' the sibling takes it worse because of the direct, continuous contact or something. Brace yourself!

    1. NO!!!! I think he is due it on Thursday. I am going to make the most of my next few days of freedom. DOOM! x

  6. I am dreading the pox. Not quite as much as nits though - because those damn things just keep coming back!!! x

  7. Eek! Your son will have it any day now! I think we were very lucky with it - one of my happiest times as a parent was when my two boys had it (!), aged 3 and 1. They couldn't go to nursery or playgroup, but there was nothing to stop them playing outside in an empty park, so they did. I took time off work to look after them and it was all lovely :)

    1. Ah that does sound lovely! It was alas tipping it down when my girl had it. But I suppose if he gets it this week at least we will have some respite in the garden x

  8. I have just read your blog for the first time and coincidently have a little girl who has just gone back to nursery with scabby remains of the pox and yesterday, exactly 2 weeks after discovering my little's girl's 1st spots, I discovered them on my 2 year old son. And they are so much worse than hers. Oh and I forgot to mention that she already had them before. I totally feel your pain and exhaustion but also have not remained completely quarantined. Food needs to be bought and other children need to be taken to school and a mommy has to stay sane!

    1. I think the next time round I will bung my boy in the buggy and walk around the shops so I don't totally lose my mind! x


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