23 Signs You Are A Mother To A Primary School Child

1) You learn nothing from being at school yourself and end up doing homework with them in a last minute panic. EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

2) You have to read books about some kn*b called Biff relentlessly. It also dawns on you when you are helping them with their 'shapes' homework you are not entirely sure of the names of shapes yourself.

3) Due to a child that seems to use her shoes as tool to just scrape the playground floor you have to actually buy shoe polish and learn how to use it (OK or use a baby wipe). You may also find yourself in true mother style exclaiming "HOW MUCH?" when you go to buy another pair of Clarks shoes mid term. By Year 1? Asda shoes become your new best friends.

4) Your child has a far better social life than you and rather than spending each Saturday recovering from the night before. You spend each Saturday at a 6 year olds party. Internally weeping whilst shoving cocktail sausages down your gob in an effort to forget your booze fuelled past.

Bunch of bell ends

5) You at least once each term. Forget money for a trip/cake sale/fancy dress day and feel the guilt for weeks.

6) You at least once each term. Forget to put your child in appropriate weather footwear/hat/sun tan lotion and feel the guilt for weeks.

7) You at least once. OK every time. Leave the numerous fancy dress day outfits to the last minute. Cobble together some sort of crap/old tatty Elsa dress and feel no guilt whatsoever. Life is too short.

8) You at least once each term. Feel secretly happy when someone else forgets something and it's not you...this time.

9) You spend a little bit too much time when thinking about what to buy the teachers as presents.

10) You spend a little bit too much time wondering if it really matters that you seem to wear the same outfit everyday on the school run #jeggings.

Five minutes till I need to leave...

11) You wonder if there is some mysterious "Cool Mum" gang. And if so? How you can avoid them at all costs (see above).

12) You want to run up to the Mum who always looks like she has her sh*t together and wears heels every day and shout "HOW?!".

13) You enthusiastically wave "BYE!" when your child runs into class and try not to look wounded when they don't look back and leave you hanging in front of the other mums. Git.

14) You put your daughter in a bobble every day. More often than not to be lost forever more. You try not to scream when she runs out looking like a scarecrow with paint in her ears and a sauce stain down her fresh on that day cardy.

15) When your child leaves the classroom with another crap piece of art you manage to restrain yourself from going "Oh for f*cks sake!"

16) Yet you don't have the heart to chuck it away and it remains floating around your house forever more.

I DON'T WANT THIS SH*T IN MY HOUSE (But I shall keep it forever)

17) Despite having enough school uniform you will at some point during the week run out and end up cleaning a cardy with a wet wipe three minutes after you should have left the house.

18) You have mastered the art of 'walk running' so you are still speedy but don't give the impression to other mothers you are sh*tting yourself that you will be late. Again.

19) You heart sinks when you see the words 'Homework Project' on school headed paper. Even more so when you discover it shoved at the bottom of their bag the night before it's due in.

20) You still can't remember your 8 times tables, have to google what an adjective is and think that cursive writing looks scruffy AF.

21) You think your whole family has nits every three months or so. And more often than not you are sadly right.

And us too!

22) Despite pushing 40 your still get a bit scared when the head wants to talk to you. In case you get a detention for being a disorganised mess.

23) At least once a week. You sigh at the end of the day. Look at your other half and say "I f*cking hate the school run".
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