The 10 Commandments Of The 'Play Date'

1) Thou shall try and organise it at anywhere other than your own house
No one wants a playdate at their own house. You have a what's app message group where you all tentatively chat about a date, then someone mentions soft play, then you decide to meet round someones house and no one wants to be the person to say "I'll host!"...

2) Thou shall reluctantly agree it's your turn
...after six months of never hosting someone suggests they all come to your's. You want to cry. But you say "HEY THAT SOUNDS REALLY FUN I CAN'T WAIT" and send an emoticon of love hearts and stars but really you want to send the one of the rolling eyes plus the water pistol gun. Maybe even the knife one and the one that's a fist punching. Yourself in the face.

3) Thou shall clean the whole house with a baby wipe
Despite knowing full well your house is going to be filthy within three minutes of your guests arriving you hastily clean your coffee table with a baby wipe and have a good check for raisins squished into the carpet. You check the toilet has not floating poos. As flushing appears to not be mandatory these days.

4) Thou shall not fume cross when guests are late
Your children have been waiting for their friends to come since 6am. And you are in no way shape or form F*CKING LIVID when they say they will be an hour late ("they will be here in a bit!" x 250). You giggle when they arrive and say "Oh! We've only just got ready ourselves!" (You f*ckers)

5) Thou shall provide tea and cake for the parents
Strong tea and a cake is a requirement. You also read somewhere that prosecco playdates are now a thing. But is 10am on a Monday morning in the dead of winter the ideal time to drink? Course it is!

6) Thou shall mainly discuss other halves, how knackered you are and reality TV
You will sit and moan about as many things as humanly possible. Mainly your other halves. And get quite cross if your children aren't playing nicely together. "Just play nicely please!" "Share" "Oh go on then. Just all sit down in silence and watch a film".

7) Thou shall provide a kid friendly buffet and make sure everyone notices the pointless cucumber pieces
Your buffet is full of crap. Sausage rolls, cheese sandwiches, crisps and so on. But you ENSURE there is a tiny bowl filled with tomatoes and cucumbers to look like you are vaguely healthy. They are fed to the guinea pig the moment everyone leaves.

8) Thou shall not fume when your friend's child wees on the couch/empties hama beads over the floor/tips out ALL the Lego/pulls out every single toy/refuses to share and so on
You try to contain your rage as a tiny person that does not belong to you systematically ruins every room in your whole entire house. You roll your eyes and say "kids eh?" with a friendly chuckle. When really you want to shout "OH FOR GODS SAKE YOUR CHILD IS BEING A KNOB".

9) Thou shall passive aggressively say "'s OK!" when your friends make a half arsed attempt to tidy up. You wish to kill them
You do the dance of tidying up. You know the one where everyone offers. No one really moves. So you just resign yourself to doing it yourself. And try to ignore a damp patch by the Barbie house.

10) Thou shall wave off all the guests that stayed two hours too long and say "thank f*ck" your turn is over for a while
The sheer relief that it is all over for another few months is euphoric. You survey the mess that has been created, start to pick the playdoh off the couch and vow to lock the LEGO up next time. Which shouldn't be for a long...long while. YES!
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