Monday, 3 July 2017

Dear Neighbours...

Dear Neighbours

This letter is part apology. Part explanation. I know it may not seem that you are in the back of my mind when I am screaming at my kids to put their shoes on before their 8am swimming lesson on a Sunday morning. But you are. Well sort of. You, more often than not, crop up in my head on the drive there when I think "f*ck I bet they HATE us". I can't imagine that hearing my voice wailing like a fish wife is the best way to wake up on a lazy weekend morning but there's nothing I can do.

And believe you me I've tried. I've tried to whisper shout. I've tried to do that thing where I speak through gritted teeth. All menacing like and the kids? Lol. Yep they lol and run off. Whispering "get your shoes on" apparently doesn't work quite as well as "GET YOUR SHOES ON NOW OR I'M GOING TO TAKE ALLLLLL YOUR TOYS AWAY". I bet you are lying there thinking "she ain't gonna take one of those toys away". And you would be right.

The Clampetts

As well as the early mornings I also apologise for any times you feel like relaxing in the garden at the same time we feel like relaxing in your garden. I know you R & R time probably involves BBQs, a lovely Pimms, maybe reading a magazine whilst you listen to your favourite music. Mine? Always ends up in fights, water being thrown on someone, sun tan lotion in my daughters eye, one of my sons shoes falling off (WTF?!). And just general screaming and manic behaviour. I do still have the Pimms though. Four in fact.

Also I'm sorry that I have opened the door to you, more than once, to collect a parcel without a bra on. In my pyjamas with wild hair at 1:30pm on a Tuesday. The first time it happened you asked "Are you ill?". I replied "yes sadly". I wasn't. I was just having a day where I didn't have the chance to shower and the kids were running circles around me. Now that the sight of my sagging boobs are a regular occurrence to you, I am sure you have cottoned on that I'm not ill. I'm just a little bit lazy sometimes.

It's all fun until that frisbee gets thrown at your sisters head!

Also dear neighbours. I have no intention of getting a divorce. I know it sounds like I am going to get a divorce. I am pretty sure you are convinced that I hate my husband. I don't. In fact I love him very much. Just sometimes on a hot day, with all the windows open, you may have (totally did) heard me shout "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU". More than once. But the thing is dear neighbours. Whilst you may think the kids are noisy too early, my boobs are shockingly round my knees and I sound like a screeching banshee? My husband weirdly thinks all those things are fine. So I'm sticking with him.

I will continue to try and whisper shout. I will try my hardest to make sure the kids don't kick off and I will try and reign in all the shouting...but I can't promise anything. But it's OK! I'm sure it will stop in the next 10-15 years. Maybe.

Love Number 62 xxx


  1. I was thinking of this blog post this morning when I asked my Google Home to play Van Halen's 'Eruption' for the second time. You should try it, it's 2 minutes of utter guitar mayhem. In addition to the kids' noise, this is the kind of thing my neighbours have to tolerate. Oh, and the language they must have heard me calling the computer when it wouldn't work (the kids weren't around at the time). Nonetheless, the do not have to see my sagging boobs.

  2. We are extremely fortunate to be a semi detached to a 92 year old and a 87 year old. You can always tell when the batteries are going in their hearing aids ... similarly you can also tell when they've just replaced them. We love you no. 19!

  3. Hahah this made me laugh so much!! How have I only just discovered your blog?! I love it, so funny. I'm due in 14 days now and reading this has given me an insight to allllll the things I have to come!! Xxx

    Soph |

  4. Our neighbours hate us, well they hate our cats and our lack of gardening expertise and our voting habits (they buy the daily mail, we don't!). But the walls are thick and they argue ALOT so I have stopped feeling guilty about the morning shouts of "I'm on the loo leave each other alone" . Based on average life spans we will be here longer than them anyway!!

  5. Oh boy I know this feeling. I'm very lucky that I've never opened the door to my neighbour in my pj's but that's just because the neighbour doesn't call round often! My boys are 8 and 12 and I still scream like a banshee when they're fighting over go-go's (yes, they still exist!) and they drive me nuts with their constant bickering. I'm hoping in the next 10 years my screaming will stop too - but if the boys are still at home I don't see that happening! Good luck with the whispering. xx

  6. I got the dressshort wedding dresses in a size Large,The fabric is soft too. Tom did a great job at capturing me being all floaty and ethereal in a patch of tall grass in a random park.

  7. I too have these thoughts :/

    They must think it's awesome when they also have to hear the kids shout back at me, or shout at each other.

    Oh well, they'll have kids themselves one day and understand.


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