Dear Neighbours...

Dear Neighbours

This letter is part apology. Part explanation. I know it may not seem that you are in the back of my mind when I am screaming at my kids to put their shoes on before their 8am swimming lesson on a Sunday morning. But you are. Well sort of. You, more often than not, crop up in my head on the drive there when I think "f*ck I bet they HATE us". I can't imagine that hearing my voice wailing like a fish wife is the best way to wake up on a lazy weekend morning but there's nothing I can do.

And believe you me I've tried. I've tried to whisper shout. I've tried to do that thing where I speak through gritted teeth. All menacing like and the kids? Lol. Yep they lol and run off. Whispering "get your shoes on" apparently doesn't work quite as well as "GET YOUR SHOES ON NOW OR I'M GOING TO TAKE ALLLLLL YOUR TOYS AWAY". I bet you are lying there thinking "she ain't gonna take one of those toys away". And you would be right.

The Clampetts

As well as the early mornings I also apologise for any times you feel like relaxing in the garden at the same time we feel like relaxing in your garden. I know you R & R time probably involves BBQs, a lovely Pimms, maybe reading a magazine whilst you listen to your favourite music. Mine? Always ends up in fights, water being thrown on someone, sun tan lotion in my daughters eye, one of my sons shoes falling off (WTF?!). And just general screaming and manic behaviour. I do still have the Pimms though. Four in fact.

Also I'm sorry that I have opened the door to you, more than once, to collect a parcel without a bra on. In my pyjamas with wild hair at 1:30pm on a Tuesday. The first time it happened you asked "Are you ill?". I replied "yes sadly". I wasn't. I was just having a day where I didn't have the chance to shower and the kids were running circles around me. Now that the sight of my sagging boobs are a regular occurrence to you, I am sure you have cottoned on that I'm not ill. I'm just a little bit lazy sometimes.

It's all fun until that frisbee gets thrown at your sisters head!

Also dear neighbours. I have no intention of getting a divorce. I know it sounds like I am going to get a divorce. I am pretty sure you are convinced that I hate my husband. I don't. In fact I love him very much. Just sometimes on a hot day, with all the windows open, you may have (totally did) heard me shout "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU". More than once. But the thing is dear neighbours. Whilst you may think the kids are noisy too early, my boobs are shockingly round my knees and I sound like a screeching banshee? My husband weirdly thinks all those things are fine. So I'm sticking with him.

I will continue to try and whisper shout. I will try my hardest to make sure the kids don't kick off and I will try and reign in all the shouting...but I can't promise anything. But it's OK! I'm sure it will stop in the next 10-15 years. Maybe.

Love Number 62 xxx
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