2. Check your iPhone weather app. Cry a bit.
3. Check the BBC weather page. Cry a bit and whisper swear again.
4. Answer your kids with "something really fun!" when they ask what's in store for them today. You really want to reply "I literally have no f*cking clue".
Show number 564
5. Vow not to let your kids watch their tablet/netflix/TV all day. That lasts 45 minutes before you shove a combination of all three on just to waste a bit of time, so you can go for a quick wee and stem the relentless fighting.
6. Check the clock as you've been in the house for AGES it must be nearly time to make lunch. It's only 8.59am. F*ck.
7. You drag out some crafts from the back of a cupboard you had hidden there after Christmas. You decide that really you are super lucky it's raining. As this means you can bond and create something lovely for the living room. Everybody knows that good Mums do crafting!
8. After six minutes there's paint everywhere. A picture has been produced that looks like a turd. Your kids ask if they can go back on their tablets. You reluctantly allow them. Vowing it won't be for much longer. Maybe an hour. Tops.
Lunch at 10am
9. Check your iPhone weather app four more times until it is time to finally make lunch. Well it is 11:15am!
10. You begin to worry that your children this holiday are half human half crisp but then console yourself with the fact you're not giving them Mars Bars and cans of Coke like back in the 80's. Basically you are Annabelle Karmel!
11. Desperate times call for desperate measures. So you may find yourself at a soft play (#stinkyballs), swimming with the whole of Birmingham (shudder) or just sadly sat in your house scrabbling around for ANYTHING TO DO. Activities may include: watching 137 shows about Frozen, some sort of educational game that no one wants to play after four minutes, 47 tea parties before you...
12....finally cave in and have a 'movie afternoon'. You figure that a movie doesn't count as TV, it's not on the tablet and whilst it's technically still Netflix? You're hardly showing Orange is the New Black are you? You cuddle up on the couch. Check your iPhone app three more times and wait for Daddy to return. Only three more hours and counting...and it's hardly like it is going to rain every day is it??? IS IT?