1. For the three weeks prior to the holiday you check your weather app on your phone. Continuously. Every morning. Every night. Monitoring. Trying to guess what the f*ck the weather is going to be like your one week away this summer.
2. The week before it sadly dawns on your all your hoping and praying is not going to do anything to GET RID OF THE F*CKING RAIN WHICH COULD DESTROY YOU AND YOUR WHOLE HOLIDAY.
3. (Yet being British you still foolishly think "it could change!").
4. Packing sends you into a full meltdown as you have to pack for every weather that there ever was. You lovingly pack little summer party outfits in for your kids you picked up in H&M and angrily shove in old jogging bottoms, wellies, scarves and rain coats.
5. You also bizarrely pack some food. Perhaps the odd few packs of your kids favourite treats. A jar of marmite. Ignoring the fact that you are staying in England and not going to outer Mongolia. "Tesco's are all around the UK and not just in Birmingham" your husband remarks. You call him a knob.
6. You have nightmares about the car journey to wherever you're going. Four hours. Two kids. What could go wrong? Everything...it's far worse than your nightmares and you end up screaming "WE ARE GOING HOME RIGHT NOW!" 15 minutes into your journey. Your husband raging at you as silly putty is smeared on the roof interior. Look I thought it would keep them busy!
7. You arrive at your caravan/chalet/tent full of hope and optimism. This is going to be the BEST WEEK EVER...you check the weather app one more time...F*CK!
8. For the next week your days are spent hemorrhaging money whilst you hide in the cinema (from the rain), visit an over priced local attraction or 3 (to hide from the rain), hit the gamblers (to...you guessed it...hide from the rain).
9. Your nights are spent attending the on site entertainment doing a variety of things you would NEVER do at home. Bingo? Why yes please. Letting your kids drink blue slush puppies at 9pm? Why of course! You learn the kid club dance routine and feel a bit smug night five when the new parents don't know what it is.
10. And one day. One glorious day? THE SUN COMES OUT AND YOU GO TO THE BEACH AND YOU GET IN THE SEA AND TAKE A MILLION PHOTOS! And yeah OK it's a bit cold. And there was a bit of dog poo by your sandcastle BUT THIS IS WHAT HOLIDAY'S ARE ALL ABOUT!!!!! You discuss in great details how one day you plan to move to the seaside.
11. And then it starts to pour. So you spend £15 on the gamblers trying to win your eldest a fidget spinner.
12. You leave totally skint, with suitcases of slightly soggy clothes, exhausted as you ended up sharing a tiny bed with a small bony human for seven nights. But as you pull away? The kids are sobbing as they had the time of their lives. Spending a week cooped up with their insane parents who remembered to bring their favourite snacks, packed their cosiest jogging bottoms and sang the kids club song really really loudly...till next year (starts checking the weather app in preparation.)