Monday, 15 October 2018

The 10 Commandments Of Being Mum

Thou Shall Flush Sh*ts That Are Not Your Own
Every morning before the dreaded school run I do a a quick 'poo check'. I go to both of the loos in the house and flush away a turd from what ever grim person in the house left it there. I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes I think it is my husband.

Thou Shall Carry Sh*t That Is Not Your Own
Whilst I don't have babies anymore so am not expected to lug around bottles and nappies. My pockets are now filled with all sorts of crap. Conkers, half eaten apples, crisp wrappers, snotty tissues. And don't get me started on when little buggers that say "OF COURSE I WILL NOT MAKE YOU CARRY MY SCOOTER HOME! I'M A BIG BOY". We've all fallen for that trick.

Thou Shall Be Expected To Remember EVERYTHING
Homework projects, lunch money, fancy dress for 'Roman Toga Day', street dance fees, dentist appointments, presents for kids you don't know, food to keep small humans alive. Your brain is full to the brim of so much crap there is only a really small part left. Which is reserved watching TOWIE and sending the odd angry emoji to your husband about flushing the toilet.


Thou Shall Be Expected To Know EVERYTHING
It is only since I have had kids that it has dawned on me I don't really know much. Answers to homework projects about Mexico baffle me and I will be buggered if I know how to do my 8 times table. A lot of the time I google sh*t when they aren't looking...apart from the times when I lie a bit.

Thou Shall Never Watch Anything On The Tele Again
There's the years of Peppa the knob and of course Bing the d*ck. But now we have hit a stage where I have to watch the hilarious capers of American tweens. Who go on adventures and sometimes MAKE FILMS THAT ARE AN HOUR AND A HALF LONG AND YOU HAVE TO SIT THROUGH IT AND YOU WANT TO SMASH YOUR OWN FACE IN. Bring back Peppa and her 5 minute episodes I say. Jeez I never thought I would say that.

Thou Shall Never Shower In Peace
My kids have a radar. As soon as I set foot in the shower. All hell breaks loose. Or worse it all seems peaceful, so they lull me into false sense of security and just as I am about half way through shaving my left leg. A drink is spilled, a guinea pig is lost, a chair is accidentally smashed on someones head. I have been known to run down the stairs screaming like a banshee with conditioner in my hair and my tits flying in the wind.


Thou Shall Forever Be Tidying Up
No matter how many reward charts I do. Or how many idle threats about chucking away all the ruddy Shopkins. My house is a pit that forever needs tidying up. Just when you think you have got on top of the washing, a pile is produced out of thin air. And do not get me started on toothpaste smears and muddy foot prints.

Thou Shall Always Be A Little Bit Skint
When you have a baby you know you will have to love them and spend money on food and clothes. But little did you know there would be one million other things you have to get. Like over priced school photos, Brownie uniform that costs more than a nice new frock from Matalan. I am forever forking out for school trips whilst I mutter under my breath "I'm sure we didn't have fancy trips like this in our day".


Thou Shall Always Be Guilty
I am always guilty. It can range from little guilts like I bought my daughter's toga for Roman day rather than making it. To big guilts like missing Harvest Festivals due to work. Sometimes the guilt keeps me up at night. Sometimes the guilt makes me cry. FU GUILT. FU!

Thou Shall Fall Further And Further In Love
As my children are getting older I am falling deeper and deeper in love with them. Yeah sure their bums don't fit quite in the palm of my hand anymore and when I sniff their feet. They quite frankly stink. But when my daughter reads me Harry Potter or my son does a full dance routine in front of Strictly my heart soars. And it makes the messy home, the guilt and the odd random floating turd all worth it.
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6 comments

  1. Thank you for the pre-warning of what life is like with actual children, while I cuddle up to my nearly 8 week old son.

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  2. This made me cry laugh hahah! My sons a year and 2 months so I have it aaaaaall to come xx

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  3. The TV thing! Gone are the days of watching Location Location on a Sunday afternoon. Now I have to watch blasted Dino Dana day in, day out. ARGH!

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  4. Hahaha. I have to check what goes down the loo before flushing (child on stool softeners, variable dose, you do the maths...!). Never got warned about that - also why is the other half never around then???

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  5. Bloody fun, brilliant and true! Thank you for brightening my day! 🤗🤗

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  6. So true - I have 2 boys who are 5 years and 1 year old. My once pristine house has been taken over by lego and skid marks but I wouldn't change it for the world!

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