10 Rules Of Toddlerhood

1) You must always accompany your Mother to the toilet. Whilst in the toilet you should either a) scream hysterically that you need it b) watch with a steely glaze like a murderer or c) if in public mention your Mum's hairy privates, stinky poo or "what's that thing that you are pulling out/putting up and why is it red?".

2) If you are going to throw a tantrum? Generally ones in public will give you the desired effect. Supermarkets are marvellous places to be given a post tantrum bribe such as a bag of sweets or magazine.

3) At bedtime try the following to delay the inevitable "one more story please Mummy", "I want a drink", "I want a cuddle", "I want another cuddle" and so on. Failing that? Just run from your bed screaming like a wild animal and confuse the f*ck out of everyone.

Tantrum's on playdates at your Mum's friends house? Perfect to get what you want!

4) If your Mother dares to put on 'her' television shout the word "PEPPA!" repetitively and at full volume. She will eventually cave in to get peace. Will also work with "THOMAS!" "PAW PATROL!" "CBEEBIES!".

5) There is no rush to get ready when you go out. In fact take your time. Parents are not allowed to leave you alone in your house. It's the law innit. And no matter how many times Mummy shouts "I AM GOING TO LEAVE YOU BEHIND YOU KNOW!". She won't. Sucker.

6) She also won't leave you in Asda when you have a tantrum (see number 2), you will still get presents from Father Christmas, you will always still be able to go to soft play and the naughty step? Will be over before you know it.

Today I will eat this. Tomorrow I will vomit if you dare to make it again!

7) When deciding what you want for your dinner always keep Mum on her toes. So she doesn't get complacent. One day scream "NUGGETS" and the next time you get nuggets? Decide that they are poison to you and refuse to eat anything other than "PUDDING".

8) If your Mother dares to have a shower wait three minutes before you decide you want the TV channel changed/a snack/to have your bum wiped. For best effect? Do it just at the point where there is soap in her eyes and the towel is just out of reach. And then wee on the floor.

9) Tidying up is for fools. Make sure you make as much mess as humanly possible and half arsedly tidy away approximately three LEGO blocks. Quite often you will get rewarded for this pathetic display of cleaning. You also get rewards if you poo in a pot and don't p*ss on the carpet. Happy days!


10) When you are extremely tired. To the point of pure exhaustion. You can't keep your eyes open. Your head is lolling. And your body is numb. Whatever you do? Don't nap. Naps are for wimps. And you're not a wimp? You're a toddler mother f*cker!

Just because I am so tired I feel asleep in a bowl doesn't mean I need to nap you idiot!
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