21 Parenting Laws Of Sod

1. When your child lies freakishly lies in. You will be inexplicably be wide awake at 5am

2. When you are in the deepest sleep known to man. Both children will decide to sit on your head at 4am.

3. When you get in the shower. Your quiet, settled children will instantly need a drink/snack/fight like cat and dog.

4. When you take a wee. Your quiet settled, children will instantly need a drink/snack/fight like cat and dog. Or be SO DESPERATE for the toilet. You have to stop mid flow.

5. When you are in a rush in the morning. Your child will get ready as slowly as humanly possible.

6. When you have absolutely nowhere to go. Your children will be up, dressed and waiting at the door at 6.03am.

7. Every time you ask your child to put on a sock/shoe/welly. THEY WILL ALWAYS GIVE YOU THE WRONG FOOT EVERY SINGLE GOD DAMN TIME.

You're not asleep are you? OH FOR GODS SAKE!

8. Every time you ask your child to put on a cardigan/jacket/coat. See above. BUT REPLACE IT WITH ARM.

9. Every time you ask your child to put on a glove. See above. BUT REPLACE IT WITH FINGER OR THUMB.

10. The one time it looks like a lovely day and you leave think "sod it!" and leave the buggy cover under the stairs? Will be the one day it pi*sses it down so hard your dry shampoo will drip down your face and passersby will tut at your soaking child.

11. However the one day you decide to carry three umbrellas on the pre-school run. It will be a freakishly sunny day. And you end up not only carrying three umbrellas, but also two coats and a scooter. Whilst you sweat profusely in your oversized Mum coat.

12. The time you decide to go out without your giant Mum bag will be the one day your child decides to vomit, sh*t and p*ss. All over you. Twice.

13. When your child is screaming in the middle of Asda? You will never be able to find the dummy.

14. When you are requiring your child to look respectable for a family photo. They will always find one despite not having a dummy for six months. Thus being the only child with a dummy in a wedding photo that will be framed in various family members houses for time immortal.

"You think I want fish fingers but now I HATE them but you don't know that do you???"

15. When you don't want your child to nap in the car. They will sleep so solidly even your "DO NOT SLEEP IN THE CAR TRA LA LA LAAAA" manic high pitched song won't keep them awake.

16. When you do want your child to nap in the car. They will chirpily sing the Peppa 'bingly, bongly boo' song. ALL THE WAY TO CORNWALL.

17. When you plan a marvellous holiday, or start an exciting new job, or decide to do anything vaguely ace? Your child will get chicken pox. Or croup. Or hand, foot and mouth. Or all three. You most probably will catch nits.

18. When you finally manage to organise a Mum's night out out. This will inevitably be the time you catch a stomach bug or...realise you are pregnant again.

19. When you finally manage to get your child down for a nap, you sit down, take a sip of tea and...the dog will bark/the PPI people will phone/a parcel will needed to be delivered to you for your neighbour. And the child? Wakes up instantly. F*ck.

20. Whatever was their favourite food last week? Will in no way shape or form be their favourite food this week. But you don't know this. Making teatime a tantrum fuelled game of Russian roulette.

21. When you breathe a sigh of relief and say "oh they went to bed really well tonight didn't they?". It will result in the most disrupted night's sleep. Since they were newborns.

"When Mummy goes for a wee? Shall we try and kill each other?"
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